Journey to the Land of the Leaf
by A.D. Williams
Summary: After recently becoming the Kazekage, Gaara is summoned to Konoha to attend a meeting with the other heads of the shinobi nations. Naruto is finally home from his training and...who the heck invited Sasuke? Loosely based on Shippuuden.
1. Kazekage Quirks

Chay, I'm finally starting my first Naruto fict! My muse for my last two stories had started drying up due to my anticipation to get to this one! Okay, first things first…in my traditional way of writing, I have made ALL of the characters OOC…you'll see what I mean. It's all for comedy purposes, folks, so I don't wanna hear any complaining! I gave you a fair warning! Second of all, since I haven't seen nearly all of the episodes to _Naruto _(Shippuuden as well…hoped I spelled that right), there's going to be some characters left out. Well, I'm watching them as I write this, so I'll add in various people perhaps, since my writing does get random at times. I've seen enough of _Naruto _to get the main plot before Shippuuden, I just haven't watched the fillers (who the hell does?)

Alright, with this said, I hope you enjoy the story! And I'm always open to suggestions to the plot! Though I have a general idea of where I want this story to go, I often catch muse issues for some reason…okay, now read to your hearts' content!

Disclaimer: I own none of the Naruto characters…in the infamous words of Shikamaru, what a drag…so bothersome.

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**Kazekage Quirks**

The dry winds blew through the village, stirring up even dryer dirt and reminding everyone who was out at that early hour of the morning just how much they could use a good down pour.

In a large house in the middle of the village, a red-headed teenage boy sat at a kitchen table, sipping a cup of tea.

"Morning, Gaara," Temari said, grinning broadly to her youngest brother. "How'd you sleep?"

"I didn't." Gaara replied shortly. "I don't think I've slept a day in my life…unless you count those few minutes when we first when to Konoha…but that Naruto kid put a stop to that."

Just then, a loud thunking could be heard as Kankuro came down the steps, not wearing his usual black ensemble or the purple markings on his face. "Morn, guys" he muttered. He ambled over to the stove where there was a steaming pot of water and poured some into a cup, added a teabag, a few spoonfuls of sugar, stirred it to perfection, then plumped down into a seat next to Temari.

"So, what do you plan to do today, lil bro?" Kankuro asked Gaara. The latter only gave him a slow and tired blink.

"I need to go to the office," he finally said, taking a long drink of his tea, finishing it off. "Need to have a chat with the jounins here about this village's security. Plus, there's a million and one papers I need to have faxed off and on top of it, I need to make sure my secretary has picked up my Kazekage outfit from the dry cleaners. Not that I really wear it…"

With a weary sigh, he stood up, putting his cup in the sink as he passed. Throwing on a long black coat at the door, he slowly opened it, the dry air greeting him.

Though something was different…the air smelled…weird, foreign…was that…? Could it be…?

Rain!

Gaara looked up to see the dark clouds rolling across the sky. It had been weeks since the last rain and the village was desperate for just a few drops of moisture.

All along the village, doors opened and people stuck their heads out, faces heavens-ward. Then it happened.

The first drop fell.

In a flash, everyone had pots, pans, vases, shoes, anything that could retain water was brought out to catch the few precious particles of precipitation. Some of the people even fought with each other over where was a better spot to stand to catch the rain.

Gaara sighed and began his walk to his office, quietly enjoying the cooling water. It seriously had been too long.

He passed the normal street vendors, selling off their few wares to any tourists dumb enough to visit their thirsty village.

"Sand! Get your sand! One ryou, one pound of sand! Come on folks, where else are you gonna get sand of this quality? Wanna build your own private beach? You'll need sand! Dirt not producing crops to your satisfaction? Sand will do it! Kids having behavioral issues? The sand will straighten them out in no time! Come on, this is a limited time offer so buy now!"

If Gaara had eyebrows, he would have quirked one just then.

After he'd been walking for about ten minutes, he grew irritated at being wet and used his chakra to jump from roof to roof until he'd reached his destination.

He paused under the overhang of the roof and shook off like a dog, hoping no one had seen this uncharacteristic action. Everyone was too preoccupied with the rain to notice.

Inside the building, the few people who were too above rain-catching were walking the corridors, running errands, or simply milling about, chatting with one another.

Gaara made his way to the Staff Room. There, sitting on a counter was a black coffee machine. He pulled a foam cup off of the stack beside the device and poured himself some. He took a sip and shuddered. _If I wasn't addicted to caffeine, I'd pour this mess out now._

He risked another sip and was able to repress the tremor that wanted to come along with it. In his current half-awake state, he slouched his way to his office, looking more like a sleep walker, especially with the dark circles around his eyes.

"Morning Gaara!" Everyone told him brightly. Some actually meant it, happy to see that what was once seen as an out of control weapon was now fighting on the good side. Others said it out of fear…though Gaara wasn't wearing his cursed gourd.

"Morn…" Gaara grumbled back, not being able to stand their cheery voices, false or otherwise. And though they should've used the proper title of "Lord Kazekage (Kazekage-sama)," Gaara didn't enforce it unless he was pissed. He was still just a sixteen year-old teenager and didn't want to feel too old because of his status.

Much like his older brother had done earlier, Gaara flopped down in the chair behind his desk. As he continued to drink the bitter contents of the cup, he leafed through the numerous stacks of papers on his desk.

"Missions, missions, missions…oh, look, some village wants me to grace them with my presence at their pre-school graduation…more missions…"

He gave a deep sigh and leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head. It was dull days like these that made him hate being the Kazekage. I mean, he had all this power! All this authority! And people were finally starting to respect him! So why the hell was he having these feelings of regret?

_I really don't know why the hell Naruto is always going on about him being Hokage… there's nothing interesting about this job. _Then Gaara's eyes popped open wide, making him look more crazed than he normally does.

"The Hidden Leaf Village…ugh, the annual meeting of the 'Kage's…that's coming up…" He flipped through some more sheets spread on the desk until he found what he was looking for. "Tomorrow," he finished quietly. The meeting was to be held in Konoha. And he had less than twenty-four hours to be there.

"Well, at least it's not going to be held in this dehydrated waste-land," Gaara muttered to himself. He had a lot of pride for Sunagakure, but today he was just feeling a bit edgy towards everything.

He reached over to the far edge of the desk and pressed a small button that had been buried under the stacks. A moment later, a young girl around fifteen years old entered.

"Yes, Lord Kazekage?" She asked timidly. She'd been the only person to try out to be his secretary (everyone else was too afraid…and even she herself had been forced to by her mother…) and so thus she had gotten the job.

"Have you picked up my dry cleaning yet?" he asked her. He didn't believe that she was supposed to do his laundry, but Kankuro had snuck and given the girl the order to clean it behind his back.

"What else are secretaries for than to do all your bidding?" his brother had tried to reason with him. "They also make good play mates, if you know what I mean," he'd added, nudging Gaara with an elbow while winking at him. Kankuro was lucky he was related to him or else he would have been sand-coffined a long time ago.

"Yes, my lord, I returned it two weeks ago," the girl said, breaking through his thoughts.

Gaara frowned, then blinked. "Really? I don't remember getting it."

"Oh, your sister took it from me when I stopped by. She said she'd put it on your bed where you'd see it."

Gaara tried to remember back to when the outfit might have been on his bed…

_Flashback_

Gaara sat in his room signing papers that he had taken home from the office. The surround-sound stereo system was blaring out "Numb" by Linkin Park, so he barely heard the pounding on his door.

"Damnit, Gaara! It's ten at night, would you _please _turn that down?!" Temari screamed on the other side.

Gaara sighed and tried to ignore her, singing along at the top of his lungs as the chorus started playing.

"God damnit Gaara! I swear if you don't turn that shit down…" he drowned her out by fully screaming the lyrics.

"That's it, now I'm pissed!" the girl screamed. She backed up and ran towards the room, pulling out her large fan to break through his door.

As she reached the entrance, she crashed through the room, eyes seeing red as her rage showed itself clearly on her face. She raised her other hand and was about to throw something that looked like a long gown wrapped in clear plastic at her brother when something rough knocked her off her balance. Gaara's sand had come to his rescue without him lifting a finger.

She was thrown back out of the room and down the hallway, her back slamming against the far wall (brings back memories of Sasuke and Itachi's first fight, eh?). Shaking off the pain, she said "Alright, fine, forget it! I was just trying to give you your dry cleaning, but I see how you want to be. See if I _ever _do anything for you again!"

But this too was drowned out as the breakdown entrance to "Pushing Me Away" started…and yes, Gaara sang along again, not having even noticed his sisters' attempted B&E.

_End Flashback_

"Huh…so that's why she was walking around with a back brace for awhile…" Gaara said to himself.

"Um, I'm not sure about that sir, but the outfit has been returned to you." The secretary said.

"Alright then. You may leave. And tell the staff that I'm going to be out of town for a week. I have some business to handle."

The girl nodded and, using a disappearing jutsu, she vanished from the room.

_Isn't that a jounin level technique? _He shrugged it off, though making a mental note to check the girl's status when he got back. For right now, he needed to hurry and pack…it wouldn't do to be late for his first big meeting as Kazekage.

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Alright, not the greatest place to stop I suppose, but I didn't want this chapter to be any longer than it already was. And yeah, Gaara singing…heh-heh…whims of a fangirl…anyways, please review, tell me your own thoughts!


	2. Compliments of Gaara

Here's chapter two, people! And now that I'm watching more of the Shippuuden episodes (and movies!) I think I might have some of those characters in here…let me see how many of them I can get through first! Okay, now feast your eyes upon more ramblings of our slightly sadistic, red-headed shinobi!

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Compliments of Gaara

Gaara had been traveling at a steady pace all day. He knew that he probably wouldn't make it on time, but he had to at least give it a shot. Finally, around sunset, he had drained nearly all of his energy and decided to set up camp. He glanced over to Temari and Kankuro, who were busy gathering wood to make a fire, then sighed. Why did they have to come along?

Both of them were mother hens whether they wanted to admit it or not. And because of their constant pecking did he finally give in and let them come along.

_Yet another flashback…_

Generally it took three days to reach Konoha from Suna…yet Gaara was going to have to make it there within only twenty-one hours. As he packed a small bag of belongings in his room, Temari and Kankuro watched him from the doorway.

"Um…m-make sure you bring your toothbrush," Temari said carefully, hoping not to ignite his anger.

Gaara nodded and stuffed a flashlight into the bag.

"And, uh, take some extra sand with you…you never know what might happen…"

"I can turn the soil at my feet into sand, bringing extra for what's all around me is unnecessary. In fact, with that being the case, I really don't know why I carry that gourd at all." Gaara shook his head, then shoved a few text books about different jutsu's in his sack.

Everyone was quiet for a moment until Kankuro spoke up. "Oh, um…you could also, you know…bring Mr. Snuggles."

Gaara's hand froze as he was about to put an extra pair of underwear in his pack. "Bring…who?" He asked in that deadly-whisper that was generally associated with him about to kill someone.

"Uh, you know…your…your bear." Kankuro said, taking a step back. This wasn't looking good.

Gaara slowly turned his cold washed-out turquoise eyes to him. "Kankuro, I don't have a bear. I don't need a bear. What use could I possibly have for a damn bear?"

"Well…you always sleep with it. You have since you were three. See, it's right here." Kankuro braved his brothers' wrath and entered the room. Going over to the bed, he tossed aside a few pillows until he'd uncovered a disheveled brown bear. "See? Mr. Snuggles. I think that's what you had named him."

Gaara stared with a look of pure horror as his biggest secret came to light. Then, with an outraged scream he yelled, "Sand Coff--!" But cut himself off before he finished the technique. _No Gaara, remember what the therapist said…violence is not the solution...this time. _

He gave a few calming breaths before opening his eyes again. "Kankuro, I shan't need Mr. Snuggles for this trip. I'm sixteen now. I can live without him for one night." Or at least that's what he said. When neither of his siblings was looking, he slipped the bear into his bag as well.

What Gaara failed to notice was that both his brother and sister had already packed bags themselves, which were waiting by the front door. He was the late one. As he was about to tell them goodbye (saying farewells and missing people…something else Naruto had taught him…) he was surprised to see that they were right behind him.

"What are you doing? Don't you have missions around the village or something?" Gaara asked them, completely annoyed. He was a big boy now (minus the need for Mr. Snuggles). He didn't need to have his siblings trailing him everywhere he went. How embarrassing to go to your first big meeting since becoming Kazekage and have them there as well!

"Our mission is wherever you are," Kankuro said and Temari nodded.

"That's right. Baki-sensei has said before that we are to stick together," his sister added. "No bird flies solo. That's means you too, Kazekage-sama," she said, pinching his cheek and grinning.

Gaara frowned and only lightly swatted her hand away (any kind of caring or kindness was fine with him, even if it was a bit demeaning).

"He only says that to you two, as a way of making sure I don't lose control. Everyone is already disappointed that they've lost their prize weapon, but they can't destroy me. So all they can do is make sure I don't kill anyone…too late for that. I've lost sight of the body count that my gourd has."

He turned around to head out the door and his siblings followed him. "What the hell are you doing?! Stay here, I'll be back in a few days."

But they refused to listen to him. "Look, I'm pulling rank here, damnit," Kankuro said. "As your older brother, I demand that you let us go with you."

Temari gave him a look that read "Yeah, that'll really work. Great going." Then she said to Gaara, "We're coming with you. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. We can't attend the meeting itself, but we can make sure you arrive safely. Remember, the Akatsuki are still after you. I doubt there's going to be a second time of coming back from the dead."

Gaara gave a frustrated growl, sounding very much like a normal irate teenager. Then without waiting for them, he took off running. They stayed with him, though were careful to keep a step or two behind.

_End unnecessarily long flashback _

So there all three of them were, camping out in the woods after finally just making it out of the desert.

While Kankuro and Temari struggled to make a lean-to out of branches and vines, he himself decided to make his own, separate refuge.

"Sand shelter!" He shouted. Immediately, his loyal grains got to work. The air hissed with the sound of the flow until slowly, a structure started to take form. It was small, only a few feet in width, but it would have to do for now.

Gaara yawned, but sighed at the fact that he would not be able to peacefully sleep…as if he really knew what that felt like. He covered the entrance to his shelter with branches and settled down to at least rest for a bit.

Temari and Kankuro had been trying to make a roof for their lodging when they'd noticed that Gaara wasn't helping them or at least making one for himself. That's when they heard the sand whooshing round him. Turning around, they saw the small structure the boy had created.

"Would it have killed him to make us one?" Kankuro grumbled.

Temari nodded, wiping sweat from her face. "Really. Not all of us have magical sand that follows our every whim."

They dropped the branches they had been holding and walked over to Gaara's sand shelter. Pulling the make-shift door aside, they crawled in.

Strangely, they were met by a blast of cool air. The shelter only had one room, but the room was much bigger than the shelter appeared from outside. In one corner there was a kitchenette complete with a fridge, sink, and even a toaster. On the other side there was a small doorway that led off to what could be assumed a bathroom, considering the faint shine of porcelain that could be seen. Another wall had a dresser with a Bose music player sitting on it. A red iPod was in the device, filling the room with quiet music. Beside the dresser was a small couch. The last wall had a large bed situated there; fluffy pillows and soft blankets made it look very inviting. That's where Gaara had seated himself, laughing quietly to something he was watching on a laptop.

Out the corner of his eye, he noticed something moving and looked up to see his brother and sister.

"Oh, how nice of you to join me. Something you wanted?"

"Uh, yeah. Dudes, how the hell did you get all this stuff in here?!" Kankuro screamed at him.

Gaara frowned. "What, you mean your guys' shelter doesn't have this?" He gestured around the room.

"Um, considering it's made from just twigs and leaves, I'd say no," his brother said heatedly. "I mean, you have air conditioning in here. Air conditioning! What the fuck, man? And a fridge?! And…you're not really going to tell me you're getting a Wi-Fi signal way out here!"

Gaara had been nodding through all of this. "Yeah. I mean, this always happens when I build a sand shelter. You guys really don't have any of this?"

"NO!" Both Kankuro and Temari shouted.

"Huh."

Gaara thought about it for a moment, then said, "Would you…like to stay? I don't have enough energy to build you your own shelters but you're welcome to stay here."

Temari immediately said "Yes!" while Kankuro said "No!"

"I'm not too proud, I'll stay," Temari said, dropping her backpack on the floor and flopping down on the couch.

Gaara looked at his older brother. "Well? How 'bout it?"

"No, I'll be fine out there, thank-you," Kankuro huffed and left out again.

Temari and Gaara met each other's eyes. "He's just a little aggravated that you never told us about this," Temari shrugged. "And how is it that this place looks so small on the outside but is so huge on the inside?"

"Genjutsu," Gaara said simply. "My sand shelter has more than meets the eye. Want a soda?" he asked her. When she nodded, he muttered "Sand soda!" and conjured a can of Sprite right in front of her.

She opened it only to receive a mouthful of sand.

"Oh damn, my bad about that," Gaara mumbled. "I'm still working out the kinks of that one. I guess you'll just have to get up and get it."

Temari left the couch and opened the fridge. It was completely stocked with different beverages and snacks. She even found a couple of cans of beer. She didn't care too much for drinking it, but knew Kankuro would sometimes have an older friend sneak him one. Perhaps…

Grabbing a can, she left out of Gaara's sand shelter. Standing near the entrance, she rolled the can on the ground until it reached the opening at the lean-to that they had been building.

Hearing a rustle, Kankuro sat straight up, focusing his eyes in the now moon-lit light. They soon focused on the can. He picked it up, then cast a questioning glance around him.

"You know, that could've been a bomb. Be careful of how fast you pick things up," Temari told him with a smirk.

"Where the hell did you get this?" he asked her.

"Compliments of Gaara. Quit trying to be so macho and come in."

"Feh. I'll pass. A real ninja doesn't need luxuries like a bed in order to survive. The great outdoors provide everything you could ever need."

Temari shook her head. "Gods, you men and your male egos! So what, he's your little brother, big deal. He's my little brother too! And though I know he could kick my ass from her to Timbuktu, I'm still not going to pass up a wonderment of the sciences like this! I mean, he has an apartment made from sand! And satellite TV too! You know you can't live a day without watching your wrestling," she added with a bit of a sneer.

"Well, I guess I'll be starting today," Kankuro huffed.

She groaned, shaking her head again. "Alright, fine. You stay out here and freeze. When you decide to stop being so immature, we'll be inside here, eating gourmet dinners and watching Blue-Ray movies on a plasma screen."

She left, going back inside to the comfort of Gaara's haven.

Kankuro curled up on his bed of dry leaves, trying to get comfortable and only managed to annoy himself even more.

"Damn sand shelter…who needs 'em? I got all I need right here." He rolled onto his other side, huffed, and tried to act like he wasn't going to miss not sleeping in there with his siblings.

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This came out a bit longer than what I intended, but I guess I was trying to cram too much in here. Still, hope you liked it. Please review now!


	3. Akatsuki Arguments

Alright, I finally had some down-time to write! I know I had told a lot of people that I had the basis for my next chapter ready…and I did. But because of that, there was so much I wanted in this chapter that it came out very long! So, let me not make this any longer than it already is! Happy reading, people!

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**Akatsuki Arguments**

As the three sand ninja slept on, four pairs of eyes quietly watched them…

"Can we attack now?" the first person said.

"No, not quite yet. We're to follow them until they reach their destination, remember?"

The other person pouted. "Oh, come on, Sasori! There's no telling how far they're traveling, hm!"

The red-haired man sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Deidara, I don't like waiting anymore than you do. You know how impatient I am. But what little patience I do have, you are starting to use up. Now be quiet lest they hear us."

Deidara fumed and crossed his arms over his chest. Turning to another person beside him, he whispered, "My, my, look who's grouchy today! I think he's still upset because that museum wouldn't accept his human-puppet as a display item, hm."

A quiet chuckle could be heard beside him. "Well, I don't think many would look at cleaning out Orlando Bloom's body and turning him into a puppet as "art."

Sasori heard him and threw the man a dark look. "Kisame, what would you know of art? You don't sculpt. You don't sing. You don't even write. I don't think you have any room to criticize other's master pieces. And, er, why do you have a bowl of water on your head?"

Kisame rolled his eyes in the water. "I already told you, it's so I don't dry out. You didn't give me much time to soak in my special solution when I got back from that last mission. It allows me to go without hydrating my skin for up to a week. So now I have to walk around with _this—" _He pointed an angry finger to the bowl—"So I don't die of thirst. And as for me and my artistic skills, killing is an art."

"Yes, that is so true!" Deidara gushed. Then he blinked and looked at the forth man. "Itachi, why are you so quiet, hm?"

The Uchiha warily flicked his eyes over him before staring straight ahead. "Honestly, all of you are my source of entertainment. There's no need to say anything when listening to you talk is much more amusing."

Deidara gasped, Kisame growled, and Sasori narrowed his eyes. "Well, I'm happy that one of us is having fun," he said sarcastically. "Although, I wouldn't have to have taken on a life of crime if a certain _someone _hadn't gotten me kicked out of college!" He looked beside him to the person he was speaking of.

"What?!" Deidara asked him as he felt Sasori's intense stare. "Oh, so now you're blaming me for what happened? It was all your fault and you know it! Allow me to remind you of what happened."

Kisame, Sasori, and Itachi were all shaking their heads "No!" But it was too late…the flashback fog had surrounded them…

_And yet ANOTHER flashback…_

It was the first day of school for the college students, and excitedly, they strolled the campus, either exploring the grounds for the first time, or meeting up with past friends.

Deidara hopped down off his flying clay bird and looked around him. He was a freshman and knew this was going to be an experience that would obliterate all the rest. He entered the boys' dormitory and asked the person behind the counter for the key to his room.

"Room 369. Third floor. Good, I won't be grounded. I would've so hated that, hm!"

Lugging his heavy bags with him, he slowly climbed the stairs until he'd reached the third floor. Scanning each door on his side, he searched until he found the number corresponding with is room key.

He paused outside. Looking down at his hands, he smirked. "Well, this is it. We will now show the world what we can do. Let us make an explosive entrance, hm!" The hands licked their mouths in anticipation.

Unlocking the door, Deidara saw that there was already someone in the room. A red-haired young man sat on one of the beds, a screwdriver in his hand as he fiddled with something.

"Hello! My name's Deidara!" the blonde beamed. "I like using special explosive clay to make sculptures and then explode them!"

The other man gave him a dead-pan stare. "The name's Sasori. I like using dead people's bodies as puppets." He pointed to a corner where a "puppet" hung lifeless on the wall. "Sometimes, when I'm in between jobs, I also live inside them."

"Ugh—um, hm." Was all Deidara could say. Then he thought of something, "So, uh…you too have this…fascination with killing, hm?"

Sasori gave a slow blink, then turned his eyes back to his work. "If by "killing" you mean people and by people, you mean puppets, then yes, I do have a fascination with it."

_That's not even close to what I was talking about, hm! _Deidara thought. "So, um…perhaps people like us should stick together? I'm a freshman here, you know us "freshmeats" gotta stick together! Hm!" He gave an enthusiastic nod.

"I'm a senior," Sasori said in his same emotionless voice.

"…Oh." Deidara said. Then he thought of something. "So why the hell are you still staying in a dorm room?"

"I'm in between jobs again," Sasori said simply. "I have a student loan bill that would make even Bill Gates gasp in horror, but some foundations keep giving them to me, so, I keep going to college. As long as I stay in a dorm room, I don't have to pay rent for an apartment. Unless…wanna be my roomie?" He asked it with a matter-of-fact tone, as though he was just asking out of curiosity, not because he really wanted him for a room mate.

"Um…why not just live in one of your…puppets?" Deidara said cautiously. _Eew, I can't believe I even suggested that! Hm!! _

Sasori shrugged, not taking his eyes away from his work. "I only live in them when I'm not in school during the summer. Besides, it's kind of hard finding a body perfect enough to live in. Obese people are the best, but I haven't seen too many of them around here lately."

Deidara gave him a wide-eyed, horrified stare.

Sasori continued. "I heard that the Akimichi clan of Konoha use their large body size for strong offensive attacks. Perhaps I'll find a new body there…yes, I must remember to go to Konoha one of these days…"

Deidara could still only stare at him.

Sasori sighed, then looked up. "Well, I suppose we should make this official. Come here."

"Huh? Make what official? Hm?" Deidara asked.

"Our alliance. Come closer."

Deidara took baby steps to Sasori's side of the room, stopping in front of him just out of arm's reach. The other man growled in irritation.

"Stop being such a female reproductive organ and come here!" he yelled.

Now Deidara seriously stared at him! "Hm, what?!"

Sasori growled and reached and snatched the front of Deidara's clothes, dragging him closer. Then he just threw him carelessly on the bed until his head hit the wall.

"First thing you're going to learn real quick is to obey me. I don't like back-talk and I especially hate to wait or to keep others waiting. Now, give me your right arm."

Though he asked it, Sasori more or less grasped it himself anyways. He curled his own right hand up, leaving only the index and middle fingers standing straight in a jutsu signal. Quietly, he chanted to himself for awhile. When he had finished, he opened his eyes slowly, then smirked evilly at Deidara.

"There, it is done." He said.

"What is?! Hm!" Deidara all but shrieked in his fear. Something about Sasori gave him chills.

"You're now a member of the organization Akatsuki. It is a secret organization so don't tell _anyone _about it. Now, you should be feeling the effects of the jutsu about…now."

Immediately, Deidara fell off the bed to the floor and began writhing in pain. "OMG! OMG! My arm burns, hm!!"

He pulled back his sleeve to see a tattoo of a red cloud forming there.

"Oh, don't be such a female genitalia!" Sasori said. "You're going to face pains much worse than this in life!"

Deidara quieted his whimpering and got back up, though this time he took a seat across the room on his bed.

"So, what does being an Akatsuki member entail?" he asked.

Sasori gave him another shrug, returning to his project. "Missions, fighting people, catching some, killing others, you know, basic henchmen stuff. Oh, and we have to get you an Akatsuki robe too. We should have a new shipment of them coming in later this week. We've been finding a lot of people with potential here lately. Also, if we have to hold a meeting or anything and anyone questions where you were or where you're going, tell them you were at a Kappa Akatsuki meeting. They'll just think you're in a sorority."

"You know, that name borders very closely on the groups' real name, hm." Deidara said.

"No, it has Kappa in front of it! It's nothing close to the real name!" Sasori exploded.

For the umpteenth time in just that one hour, Deidara was left staring at the mystery that was Sasori.

And thus an alliance was formed between the two. Despite their difference in college levels, they "hung out" often. And hung out as in, Deidara trailed him everywhere. It was an unspoken arrangement from higher-ups that Sasori would take the blonde under his wing and teach him the ways of the Akatsuki. Whatever those were…

One day in the cafeteria, while waiting in line, Sasori lightly tapped Deidara's arm and pointed to a man with long hair that looked very stoic as he sat at a table by himself. "Itachi Uchiha, also an Akatsuki member…been in the group as long as me. He's also a senior, I have him in a lot of my classes." Deidara nodded, watching as the quiet man daintily ate a cup of Jell-O.

There was only one class that he and Sasori shared. Art. It was both of their majors, and Deidara had signed up for advanced lessons of the subject.

"Art is an infinite and beautiful world," Their teacher lectured one day. "Who's to judge what is or isn't art? It is what truly expresses _you _as an individual! So, for today's assignment, I would like all of you to use the _media _in this room to create an accurate description of yourself in art form. It could be a statue; it could be a painting. Hell, even though this isn't a writing class, I'll even take a poem, if that's your art! Just create people, create!"

Sasori rolled his eyes and flicked them over to Deidara, who sat next to him. The blonde smirked. He knew Sasori couldn't stand their teacher's animated voice, but he himself likened it to his own.

For awhile, the classroom was quiet as everyone found the materials (_media, _in art language!) to make their projects. Even Deidara didn't speak and he could often be a chatter box.

At the end of the hour, their professor strode up and down the rows to examine their work. "Very good, Billy, yes you really do have a gift…Lovely, Susan. Nice shading for the eyes…Jack, you look like you just drew a bunch of penises over and over again, not very creative…Sasori…um…what is this?" The man stopped in front of the red-head.

Sasori gave him a bored stare. "It's a puppet."

"Er, where are its features? There are no eyes or a mouth or anything."

Sasori gave him his evil smirk. "You're going to fill those in."

"What? Me? How?"

Sasori's grin grew wider. "I'll show you." In a flash, he was out of his seat and had already drawn a kunai knife, raising it up for an attack. The teacher gave a shriek of fear and as Sasori charged him he said, "Stop being such a fallopian tube! Accept your inevitable death, old man!"

But just as he was about to stab him, Deidara jumped out of his seat and held something up in front of the teachers face. "Look what I made! It's a cute little clay kitten! Here, pet it!"

As the teacher brought his hand up to cover his face as a reflex, his hand brushed the clay animal. An explosion went off and everyone within a ten foot radius was blown back.

After the smoke and debris cleared, a smoldering crater could be seen in the middle of the room. The other students had become lodged in the wall due to the force of the blast or were out in the hallway, knocked out.

Deidara peeled himself away from a corner of the room, noticing Sasori and amazingly their professor doing the same thing. All three noticed each other at the same time. All three began shouting at the same time.

"Damnit, Deidara! Nobody cares for your stupid animal art!" Sasori yelled.

"Oh, what do you know? That little kitten was absolutely dynamic, hm!" Deidara huffed.

"Fuck all of that! You two tried to kill me!" The professor screamed at both of them. He stood up on shaky legs and pointed a finger. "Get out, both of you! You have ruined this sanctuary of art and further more, the image of art in general! And you call yourselves artists! More like art-less!"

Sasori brushed the dust from his clothes, then cast an annoyed glare at Deidara. Without a word, he performed a disappearing jutsu and vanished.

Deidara did the same thing and a second later he was back in their dorm room. Sasori was sitting on his bed, much like he was the first day they met. Except this time, he wasn't in a talkative mood at all and moodily worked on another one of his puppets.

The next morning, both were summoned to the Dean's office. There, they received a lecture about the severity of explosives at school and death threats. And ultimately, they were kicked out.

Sasori and Deidara packed their bags in silence, each still fuming at the other. When they had finished, they finally turned and met face to face, the first time since the explosion.

"Well, guess I have to go back home and live with my parents, hm," Deidara said.

Sasori flicked his eyes at him, then pointed them out the window. "So…think they'd mind an extra guest? Just until the Akatsuki hideout is fully constructed."

Deidara's eyes opened wide and a goofy smile spread on his face. "Sasori, you really want to come live with me? Oh, good things do happen to bad people!"

"Gods, quit displaying your urethra, I didn't mean it like that!" Sasori snapped. "I just don't have a body to live in currently and I'm between jobs…again."

Deidara stopped clapping his hands in joy and pried the kissing mouths away from each other. "Well, I don't think they'd mind. I'm an only child. They'd always said that I was the explosion that their life needed and was satisfied with just me!"

Sasori rolled his eyes, but followed Deidara out the door and home…to meet his parents.

_End of another extremely long flashback...as if the show doesn't have enough on its own..._

"And that is how you met my family!" Deidara finished. "Oh and by the way, mom's been asking about you, she worries you know," he said to Sasori.

"Oh, tell her I'm fine and thank you for her concern. By the way, does she still make those ginger snap cookies?" Sasori asked.

"Yep, and they're still just as good as ever! Hm!" Deidara smiled.

"Oh good, I have to stop by some day and get some—wait just a frickin' minute! We were discussing how we got thrown out of college! And that flashback clearly showed that it was your fault!"

"No, it was yours! Nobody told you to make our teacher into a puppet!"

"And nobody told you to make explosive figurines!"

The two continued to quietly argue back and forth so as not to awaken the sand siblings who were not far from them.

Meanwhile, Itachi had strode off to get away from their constant squabbling and Kisame entertained himself by blowing bubbles while making faces in his water bowl's reflection.

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Wow, this came out extremely long! Eight pages!!! I think that's the most I've ever written for one chapter! But I had fun doing it this time, so it was worth it! Now, hit that button that allows you to spill your thoughts out in ink in something called a review…newest technology, state of the art, from what I hear. ^_^


	4. Sand Insensibilities

Happy birthday Gaara! Happy birthday Gaara! Happy birthday you sick, sadistic, liking to kill people boy in order to prove your own existence until Naruto came along and showed you that you _can _care about others! Happy birthday toooooooooooo yooooooooooouu!!!!! Today is January 19th, our little mascara-wearing redhead's B-day! And though this chapter doesn't mention anything about it, I just wanted to say it here! So, read this, like this, love this, and enjoy the greatness that…is…GAARA!

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Sand Insensibilities

The dawn seemed to take forever to break. Or at least to Gaara it did. Probably because he never slept and was always feeling like he could use a year-long nap. He stretched and looked over at the clock. Six-thirty. A reasonable hour to head out.

He looked over at his sister still sleeping on the couch. One arm was thrown back across the armrest while the other dangled on the floor. Her mouth was wide open and had gathered a pool of drool. Every time she breathed, it bubbled and gurgled. _Disgusting, _Gaara thought before getting up and padding into the kitchen.

He opened the fridge and thought about his choices for breakfast. "Yogurt? Ugh, chick food…hm, breakfast croissants? No…I weirdly feel like cooking today. Hm, eggs…"

He finally just grabbed random items and began to prepare them. Somewhere near the middle of this, Temari woke up.

"Gaara, you cook?" She asked him, rubbing sleep out her eyes.

"Uh, no…not really…Shukaku is the brains of this operation. I'm just the vessel doing the bidding."

"Regardless. So I never have to cook breakfast again? Great, from now on, cook your own damn food!" She huffed before going into the bathroom.

Gaara only kept his eyes to the skillet as he slowly flipped the pancakes. "Don't have to be such a bitch about it," he muttered to himself.

By the time she came back out, he was setting the table. "Do you know if Kankuro will be joining us?" Temari asked him.

"Don't know, didn't ask him. Last time I checked, he was still hatin' on me and my sand shelter. But I'll go ask him."

He went outside and noticed that Kankuro was up and roasting something over a fire. It was just a small trout, no good but for one or two bites.

"I have breakfast ready inside if you want to come in," Gaara told him.

"No, I'm fine out here. Nothing makes you more of a man than working for your food."

Gaara actually smirked. "Who told you that lie? Look, quit being so independent and just come in and eat. You're starting to sound like my old self."

Kankuro threw him a look. "I said I was fine. Now go on back to your sand dome or whatever you call it and leave me be."

Gaara sighed, but left him.

Back inside the shelter, Gaara joined Temari at the table. "He's still being delusional," he told her.

Temari only sighed and shook her head yet again. Then she straightened up and began to pile food on her plate…until she took a bite and had to spit it back out.

"Why is the food so gritty?!" She nearly yelled, wiping her tongue on a napkin.

"Hm, perhaps I accidently put sand in it, not paying attention to what I was doing since Shukaku was the one controlling me," Gaara hypothesized. "I mean, this entire place _was _created from sand."

Temari groaned, then pushed the plate away. "So, would it be safe to just grab a yogurt out the fridge then? Or would that be sand too?"

Gaara narrowed his eyes. "Not everything here is sand you know! And that which is, is of the highest quality of sand! You won't find sand better than this!"

"Uh-huh," his sister said, opening the fridge to rummage for food. "And…why do you have a bucket of sand in the fridge?! Gods Gaara! No wonder the food was gritty!!"

"I'll have you know, I acquired that bucket by giving a tourist a cup of water for it. Poor bastard, he fell for that damn salesman in the village, thought he could house-break his dog with it."

He pushed away from the table and headed to the bathroom. There, he turned the faucet on to make sure things were to his liking before undressing and hopping in. Closing his eyes, he let go of the protective covering on his skin, watching as the sand washed down the drain. Then he muttered to himself, "Sand shower!" and more grains came out of the shower head instead of water.

He stood there for awhile, enjoying the feel of the sand washing over him. Then he reached over to a small hanging shelf and grabbed something. "Ah, nothing cleans better than sand soap!" He rubbed the gritty bar on his body, wincing slightly as it scratched him.

After he was finished, he put the "soap" back and this time grabbed a bottle of a tanish liquid. "Sand shampoo. Helps with getting rid of sand lice."

He poured the bottles' contents on his head and rubbed it in, once again wincing as the grains scratched his scalp. Then he allowed his sand shower to wash it away…though since there was no water, the extra sand just congealed to his hair. _Wait…maybe this wasn't such a brilliant idea…_

He got out of the shower and snatched a towel around his waist. Except the towel didn't fully wrap around him…and was extremely short. Great. Just great.

He turned on the bathroom sink and dipped his head under the spout. All to feel more sand. "AGH! Are all the taps in this shelter run by sand?! Who the hell is the architect of this thing?! Oh wait…that would be me."

He peeked open the door and noticed that Temari wasn't in sight. Without waiting, he made a dash for the front door, wrenched it open, and ran outside.

Kankuro had long since finished his trout and was now back at the stream he had fished at, trying to catch another. He was just about to stab one with his make-shift spear when the fish fled. It must've heard something he didn't. But then, a loud crashing sound could be heard through the woods. Branches cracked and loud footsteps scared the birds away. Then he saw it.

A beast that ran on two feet. It had brambles decorating its hair and red markings on its body. It had a ferocious growl, something that sounded like "goddammitmutherfuckingsandshowers!" Kankuro didn't even try to register what exactly the beast was. He quickly unwrapped one of his puppets and sent it at the creature.

"AH!" The creature roared. It grabbed the puppet and threw it forcefully into a tree, where it broke and lay lifeless. Then it began to stumble towards him.

"Oh shit!" Kankuro muttered. He reached into his pocket and threw a pepper bomb at it. It howled in pain and started slashing the air around it with one hand, the other held to its eyes.

Now Kankuro was terrified. He'd only brought with him one puppet, which was now useless. He pulled out all of his kunai and shuriken blades and threw them, but the creature had started charging toward him and miraculously dodged every last one.

"QUIT THROWING SHIT AT ME!!!!" The beast yelled. Kankuro froze in fear as the monstrosity spoke. It knocked him out of the way, sending him flying twenty feet into the woods, then dropped to its knees and dunked its head in the river.

It splashed around for awhile, then lifted its head up, panting from exertion. Kankuro was slowly making his way back to his feet when he saw the figure by the waterside. Gaara. He had to be warned about the creature running around!

"Gaara! Run! Get out of here, it's not safe!" He ran to his brother and grabbed his arm, pulling him up. "Come on, let's go! We don't have much time! The beast could come back any minute!"

Gaara knocked his arm away and stared at him. "That "beast" was me, fucktard! You can't tell your own little brother when you see him?!"

Kankuro's arms fell to his side. "Well, not when you transform into Shukaku…heh-heh. So, that was really you? And, er…why are you naked and running around in the woods? I mean, that sounds like a child rapists' dream come true."

Gaara sighed and sat back, not really attempting to cover himself. They were brothers, weren't they? I mean, it wasn't like his older brother was going to get turned-on by seeing him naked…unlike with all those Uchihacest stories…but, we'll save that conversation for another time.

"I had sand in my eyes," Gaara said simply. "Due to my sand shower."

Kankuro stared at him. "Your…sand shower?! What's it with you and sand?"

"Well, I also had used my sand soap and sand shampoo. That's what really did it. It stuck to my hair and started to run into my eyes. I don't have water in my shelter, I guess, so I tried to come here to wash it out. I must've lost my towel as I went. Anyways, then I get here and you attack me. You really do have a large imagination."

Kankuro gave a sheepish laugh, but his little brother cut him off. "We need to get going. We've wasted enough time as is." They got up and went back to his shelter, where he properly dressed. Temari sighed as he deconstructed the shelter, since she was in the middle of watching TV.

"We only have ten hours to be there now. It takes a lot of energy to do this, but we're flying on my sand cloud." Gaara conjured it low to the ground, then hopped on. Temari did so as well, but their brother was less confident.

"Are you sure you can hold this thing up with all three of us on it and for ten hours? I mean, has this been tested by the any automotive companies for defects?"

Both Temari and Gaara narrowed their eyes at him.

"Er, on second thought, it's better than running," Kankuro said, changing his tone. He got on, and the cloud took off at speeds faster than 50 miles an hour.

- - -

As they flew off, four others started after them. Well, really one. Sasori turned to his comrades. "They've started moving. Let's go."

But Kisame and Deidara were still asleep. Kisame was still blowing bubbles in his bowl, making the water foam. It was quite grotesque to look at him, especially since the glass magnified his features.

Deidara had shifted in his sleep and was now leaning on Itachi, drooling on his shoulder and mumbling "Hm!" and "Katsu!" every now and then. The Uchiha raised his eyes up hopelessly to Sasori, truly uncomfortable with the situation.

Sasori shook his head. "Gods, this is pathetic. Why did I have to get stuck with these two?" He reached down and bodily pulled up both Kisame and Deidara, shook them awake (knocking Kisame's head against the bowl. Blood started to cloud the water), then yelled at them. "Our targets are on the move. Let's go before they're out of sight!"

He jumped up and began running on the trees. Itachi did so too, not waiting for the others to catch up. Deidara stretched and yawned and his hands did likewise. Then he sprang into the air and began running with them. Kisame was last to take off, but due to not being able to clearly see out of the bowl, he crashed his head on top of the branch and fell back down, rolling on the ground as he writhed in pain. None of his comrades came back to help him…

_ _ _

Many hours later, the sand siblings could finally see the entrance gates of Konoha in the distance. It had been a rough ride. Several times, they'd had to stop so Kankuro could vomit in the bushes…he was just finding out that he had a phobia of heights.

Finally, Gaara had told him that he refused to land anymore since it took up time and made his brother just up-chuck over the edge of the cloud. This was met with less than desirable effects. Temari sat on the complete other end of the cloud, her back to Kankuro so she didn't have to watch him. Though she could still see the sick as it fell to the ground…she swore that she saw some land on someone's head…

But they were there now! A hundred yards from the gates, Gaara's cloud began to sink. "So…tired…going…down…" His strength gave out and all three of them plummeted to the ground. Temari used her chakra to keep herself from splatting, but Kankuro and Gaara were too weak to do so. They hit the ground hard, skidding another thirty feet.

A crowd seemingly out of nowhere could be heard saying "Oooohhhh!" as the brothers crashed. Then, a loud voice that sounded very familiar said, "I wanna see that again!" followed by a female screaming "Baka! (idiot)" and then a loud punching sound.

Kankuro was now unconscious, but Gaara looked up weakly. In his blurred vision, he could see a few people looking down on him. One form in particular he focused on. They were wearing bright orange. Was it…? Could it be…? But then he also fainted.

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Wow, how mean to have Gaara go through that on his birthday! But, I really wanted them to reach Konoha in this chapter and after watching a Shippuuden abridged series that had Naruto crash landing like the sand siblings did, I wanted to recreate that with Gaara! Also, check out my newest buddy's story, "What's That Coming Over the Hill?", a Naruto fict by Bored Katsu! If you don't, I'll have Deidara come to your house and do the Caramelldansen dance (YouTube)...I already sicked Matsuda from Death Note on a few people, don't make me do it again! Anyways, I hope you guys liked this chapter! Now, please review! And give Gaara a gift! Something made out of sand, preferably.


	5. Sasuke's Story

Okay people, I am fully aware that this chapter is extremely long! Forgive me, but I couldn't think of a good place to chop this off. So, think of this as multiple chapters to make up for not updating in so long…got sidetracked after Gaara's birthday. Also, for those who are familiar with the show Death Note, Light Yagami's (ahem…IM A GAY Light…^_^) B-day is coming up on the 28th of this month (February). So, I have to honor his sadistic behind too! Okay, enough ramblings here, read this, like this, take your time with this, but ultimately, love this!!

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Sasuke's Story

As his eyes slowly opened, Gaara noticed several worried faces over him. One of them happened to be a bit closer than his personal space wanted.

"When I can see your nostril hairs, you're too close!" he yelled, pushing Naruto back.

"Damnit! I thought you were dead! I could've owned my first dead body, just like that weird puppet guy in the Akatsuki!"

Gaara narrowed his eyes and groaned in his displeasure of that idea. Turning to look at the others in the room, he recognized the pink-haired girl.

"Sasuke, right?" he said.

The girl's shoulders sagged and her face became extremely sad. "Sakura." She corrected.

"Yeah, same thing," he said, still looking around the room.

Just then, the door burst open. The light behind them was too bright to tell who it was so all that could be distinguished was a silhouette.

Everyone's eyes opened wide as the person came into view. It was…it was…

"SASUKE!!!" Everyone, except Gaara, shouted. Even Temari and Kankuro said his name. She looked at her brother.

"Why do you sound so surprised?" She asked.

"I could ask you the same thing," he replied.

She shrugged. "He's cute. Of course I'm surprised to see him here. Now what's your excuse?"

"Er…joining in the action? Heh-heh," Kankuro chuckled sheepishly.

She gave him a sideways glance to show she didn't believe him.

The Uchiha slowly entered the room, wearing a black shirt with a large collar and a slightly baggy pair of white denim shorts. His hair was longer than what it was when he was younger, but for the most part, the style was the same…except it was missing the Konoha headband.

Immediately, Sakura jumped out of her chair and ran to hug him. His body stiffened as she touched him. Gently, he pushed her away and went to stand among the group.

Everyone stared at him, waiting for him to speak.

"Well, I must say, haven't you all changed since I was last here. Though…I'm not going to ask why we have Sand ninja among us. You all _did _pass the Chuunin exams, right?"

"Why, yes we did, thank you," Temari said heatedly for her family. "And did you? Last time I checked, you ran off with that effeminate guy before you could even finish your fight with my brother."

Sasuke immediately bristled. "And as I recall, your freak of a brother started having psychological issues because I scratched his shoulder, ran off, then transformed into an even bigger freak."

Gaara sat up straight on his bed. "Bet you won't call me a freak to my face!"

"I'll get all up inside your face!!" Sasuke shouted back.

"Betcha I'm more emo than you!" Gaara sneered.

"Pssht! Please! Emos have fangirls to show for it. I have the whole female population of Konoha and even your sister. What do you have?"

"Uh…um…" Gaara faltered.

"Exactly. Because you're a freak. You also don't have a popped collar like mine. When your collar is popped, it shows how cool and "fly" you are. My collar covers me to my nose, so you know my fly level is through the roof!"

"Actually, I think Shino has you by like a millimeter," Naruto put in.

"What?!" Sasuke said, sounding incredulous. "That freaky bug guy is more pop n' fresh than me? This is unacceptable!"

"Um, I think we all agree that this conversation should be tabled for another time," Kakashi, his previous sensei, told him, holding his hands up in a surrender pose while wearing that smile with the upside down U's. "How about you tell us what happened during your time with Orochimaru."

Sasuke cast Gaara another hateful look, before he sat down in a chair near the window.

"I suppose I should start from the beginning. I was raised in a respectable home with a mother, father and an older brother who was an anomaly to everyone. I can still remember days when we all sat on the verandah sipping lemonade and fanning ourselves with our Uchiha crest (the fan that looks like a paddle made for pinball) and talking about the good 'ole days. I also—"

"Sasuke, I said explain your time with Orochimaru, not your life story!" Kakashi cut in. "Gee-whiz, we all know how you became an emo! We don't care for that because everyone knows that when you do a childhood flashback here, Gaara's little kid pictures are cuter than both yours and Naruto's and his background story takes the cake in emo ratings! Get to the point!"

Gaara smirked and lifted his head in a superior way, but didn't say anything.

Sasuke sighed, but started again. "Fine, you wanna know what happened there? I'll tell you. After I had officially left Konoha, a group of Orochimaru's ninja met me. They gave me an elixir to drink, saying it was bourbon. Well, I've never been one to pass up a free drink, so I took some. And man did things get weird after that!

"I started to feel extremely tired, so they said I could sleep. I was hoping no one was going to be carrying me because one of the guys that was there was this chunky dude and not no but hell no was I going to be held by him! The other guy had multiple arms and though that's more support for my body…that's just not a person you want touching you. Then there was this third guy who had two heads…well, my reasoning for him should be pretty obvious. And then, there was this girl that would've been cute if you couldn't look at her with one glance and tell that she was probably a total bitch."

Sasuke paused and took a swig of water that was in the pitcher beside a table. Yes, his lips wrapped around the rim of the pitcher, screw using a cup.

"I already did that, you know," Naruto told him.

Sasuke froze, eyes completely wide as he looked at the blonde. So…he was drinking…Naruto's backwash?!

"AAAGGGHHHHH!!!!!" He yelled, throwing the container across the room. It hit someone on the other side of the curtain that divided the space.

"OUCH! Watch where you're throwing things, eh!" The curtain was ripped back to reveal a pissed off Lee. "I'm trying to recover from an injury here!"

Now Sasuke looked totally horrified. "Lee…did you…even _trim _your eyebrows in the time that I've been gone?!" he asked weakly, seeing the tremendous hair growth on the boy's face.

Lee beamed at him, and the furry caterpillar (for he now had a uni-brow) became even furrier with his raised eyelids. "Nope! Gai-sensei says that the ladies love a man with hair! Therefore, I am not going to shave any part of my body that has hair follicles! Not even my—"

"OKAY, I think we get it!" Sakura shouted, scrunching her face up in repulsion. But just as quickly, the look was gone as she simpered over Sasuke. "Please, continue with your story." She said, blinking her eyelashes in a way that was supposed to make her look cute but gave her the effect of looking more like she had a twitch.

"Well, anyways, skipping past the boring stuff, those ninja set down this wooden drum and told me to get in it…" Sasuke said, sounding far off…

Everyone starting looking around the room as a fog surrounded them.

"Wait, I know what this is…!!" Naruto screamed. Then everyone shouted at the same time:

"NOT ANOTHER FLASHBACK!!!!!"

"Damnit, Sasuke! Was there NO other way you could've told us this story without one?!" Kankuro shouted at him.

Sasuke shrugged. "Eh, it adds more depth to personal stories. So, quit fighting it and let it take over. It'll be over before you know it."

"No, these things take forever, that's why we avoid them," Kakashi grumbled, one hand under his chin, the other drumming the table impatiently.

But the Flashback fog had completely surrounded them by now, and Sasuke's point of view was shown to them, as though on an IMAX screen.

_Ahem…Flashback…_

"Here, drink this," The weird guy with the two heads said to Sasuke. He took the bottle and tipped it straight back into his mouth.

Smacking his lips, he said, "Wow. That's pretty good? Got anymore?"

The other four just smirked. "You won't need anymore…" The first man said.

Just then, Sasuke's body started convulsing. _Oh gods! They slipped me a date-rape drug!! No, I will NOT be anybody's bitch!! _

But try as he might to fight the power of the elixir, he felt himself growing tired. Realizing that he couldn't resist this, he let himself drift off. _Please…be gentle with me…and don't let the fat guy mount me either…_

He collapsed unconscious on the ground. The others grabbed his body and sealed him within the wooden drum, then began the long trek back to their master's hideout.

Of course there were a few interferences, some battles, some scuffles—

"Oh, so you're just going to skip over the fact that we risked our lives to try to bring your hard-headed behind back to Konoha, aren't you?!" Naruto interrupted.

"Shut up, baka!" Sakura shouted, thunking him on the head again. "You're making this flashback even longer!"

Back to the flashback…

All four of the shinobi Orochimaru had sent to bring Sasuke to him had been defeated by 13 year-old ninja's. Yes, truly a sad day in evil henchmen history.

So, there Sasuke was, in a drum, all alone in the middle of the woods. Until the elixir wore off and he started to feel claustrophobic inside.

Violently, he kicked the side of the container, trying to break free. A passer-by happened to notice him and stared in awe as the wooden device gave yet another shake.

"What's this? A hatching Pokémon?! Oh my god, a rare sight indeed!"

Then, the wood shattered, sending shards flying everywhere. Sasuke scrambled from his prison, blinking into the harsh sunlight. The man standing nearby took out a device and pointed it at him.

In a computerized voice, the device said: "Sasuke, the obsessively arrogant and emo Pokémon. Determined to avenge his family, Sasuke will do anything to obtain his goal…even if it very stupidly risks his own health. Such as running away to an obvious pedophile."

The man looked up at Sasuke but could only determine a flash of black hair and red eyes before the boy was upon him. Sasuke snatched the PokeDex away from him and flung it with all his might into a tree before stomping away angrily.

"Stupid device…what does it know? And I'm not a frickin' Pokémon!"

The other man stared at him with wide eyes. "Maybe it's right. It's not a Pokémon…I think I've just found Big Foot!!"

Sasuke made his way through the woods, not really knowing where he was going, but didn't really care. After an hour or two, a light shining ahead through the thick trees alerted that there might be a clearing ahead. Drained of most of his energy from the elixir, he stumbled toward it.

Luck was on his side. It was a clearing. And not only that, but a large house-like structure was built there as well. Perhaps whoever lived there would be willing to help him…

Weakly, he crept over to the door. He was only able to knock once before his exhaustion took over and he collapsed on the ground.

On the other side of the door, shuffling could be heard. "Coming, coming!" A smooth voice said. It was hard to tell if it was male or female since the voice sounded almost both.

The door opened up, then someone gave a gasp of surprise. "What is this? Boys fainting on my doorstep? Oh my!" The person reached down to stroke Sasuke's hair, then turned him over to where he could see his face "Why…this is Sasuke Uchiha. So, he finally made it. Kabuto!" he shouted back into the house.

The silver haired man appeared in the doorway. "Yes, Lord Orochimaru?"

"Go prepare a nice, hot bath for our visitor. He's come from a long way and he's all…sweaty…" the snake man said, his eyes roving all over Sasuke as he said that last word.

"Er, right. Yes, my lord." Kabuto left to do as he asked.

Gently, he picked up the boys' limp body. _Why, he's so light…almost fragile… _He took the time to stroke his hair again. But there was no need to act so desperate…he was here now…he'd have all the time he needed…

As he reached the bathroom on the second floor, Sasuke was waking up again.

"Ugh…" His eyes landed on Orochimaru, who was holding him and he screamed. "Ah! Who the hell are you?! Oh wait…you're Orochimaru, right? My gods, what's up with the Easter yellow kimono, dude?!"

"Er, it's a favorite color of mine," The man smiled in a way that was supposed to look kindly and only came off as being either provocative or simply twisted. Supposedly, it was both.

"Yeah, that explains the color, but not the kimono," Sasuke muttered, struggling from his grip. He wobbled as his feet hit the floor, but he remained upright.

"You've come a long way," Orochimaru said to him. "You're all…sweaty…" He paused again on that word, eyes locked on the boy. "Would you care for a bath?"

"Um…well, I guess. I mean, I am going to be living here now, aren't I? I might as well get used to bathing here…"

He made like he was about to take off his shirt and noticed the almost imperceptible flick of Orochimaru's tongue. "Uh, aren't you going to give me some privacy?" he said, narrowing his eyes.

"Around here, we're not shy. We bathe around each other…and with each other…" Orochimaru said in a weird whisper, taking a step closer to him.

"No we don't!" Kabuto said, sounding totally offended. _No, _we _don't, Lord Orochimaru. Never _us.

Orochimaru threw him a very nasty look that clearly said "Shut the hell up and stay out of this!" Then turned semi-friendly, semi-something else eyes to Sasuke. "Don't listen to him, he's the modest one. Acts like he's so much more above the rest of us that he has to shower alone…not realizing that we save a fortune on our water bill by bathing together!"

By now, Sasuke was starting to reconsider training with this man. What did he really have to offer? A few spurts of weird energy and a stinging, aching pain afterward was all he'd seen. _It's worse than dieting fads…ugh, that last one about eating asparagus and corn bread was a fuckin' lie! I actually gained three pounds instead of losing the intended one! _One as in one pound…yes, Sasuke is vain about his weight.

"Look, until I get adjusted here, I'd like to just shower alone, okay?" Sasuke said.

"Are you sure?" Orochimaru said, eyes wide with hope.

"Yeah, I'm sure," Sasuke said, waiting for them to leave. Kabuto was already turned toward the door, pulling on his master's sleeve to get him going.

"You heard the kid, let's go," he said warily, hating how the man was acting over their new-comer. Then again, he had been the same way with him once…

"Are you positive?" Orochimaru pressed, taking yet another step toward the Uchiha.

"Um, yeah, I'm pretty positive. Not like I've never showered alone before. I actually prefer it."

"I mean, are you totally, absolutely, positively positive that you want to do this?!" Orochimaru now had a maniacal desperate look in his eye. "I mean we _really _don't mind sharing around here!!"

"For the last time, yes!" Sasuke shouted. "Now go, before I return to Konoha!"

Orochimaru gave him one last pitying look (pity for himself, not for Sasuke) and finally left.

After the shower, the Uchiha wasn't surprised to see the pale man waiting for him by the door. When he opened it, he stumbled backward as though he'd had his ear pressed to it.

"Oh, hello Sasuke! Did you enjoy your bath…alone?"

"Uh, yeah…sure…"

"Good…good…I figured since you're tired from your trip as well, you'd like to sleep for a bit. I've prepared a room for you. This way please."

He led him down the hall to a large bedroom. It was nicely decorated, and Sasuke got the feeling that this was…

"It's my own room. I figured a guest of honor such as yourself deserves only the best."

Ugh. "Um…I'll pass. Do you have a couch or something I can just crash on? That'll do."

"Oh no, no, no! I won't have my pupil sleeping on the sofa like some common vagabond! Fine, if you won't except my room, I think I have something more suitable."

They left this room and entered another one down the hall. It was much smaller, but cozier in the way of personal items, such as old photographs and a vase of fresh flowers.

"Kabuto!" the man yelled for his servant again.

Thunking could be heard up the steps and then he appeared. "Something you wanted while you pulled me away from my prayer time?"

"That's not important at the moment. Clear you shit out of here. This is Sasuke's room now."

"What?! He just got here and already he gets a room?! I had to sleep in the basement with all those other botched experiments you have for over two months before I even moved up to at least the couch!"

"That's because your body was never as perfect as—er, this isn't the proper place to discuss such things," Orochimaru said, casting a glance at Sasuke, who seemed oblivious to the topic of that conversation. "Pack your stuff and move it or I will do it for you."

"And where am I supposed to sleep now?!" Kabuto shouted indignatly.

"I don't know and quite frankly, I couldn't give a damn."

Kabuto began removing his things, uttering curses on both Orochimaru and Sasuke for it. When everything was gone, the older man gave a courteous gesture to allow the boy to enter.

"Well…how do you like it?" He simpered. He wanted to make sure his prized pet was at ease with everything.

"It's fine. Um, thanks." Sasuke stared at him the way he did back in the bathroom, with that obvious look that said "Go away!"

"Are you sure you don't want to sleep in my room? Much more comfy…"

Sasuke sighed. Not this mess again…

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"I mean, if you want to, you can—"

"Orochimaru! I'm fine! Ever thought that perhaps you're smothering me?!"

The pale skin on the man's face grew even paler…if possible. Probably not, but let's just say for writing sake that it did.

"Oh…alright then. Well…call if you need anything…"

And thus was the start of the constant privacy fights that Sasuke had with him. The years ticked by and they began their training. At first, it started off with weird tasks…like, cutting firewood with an axe with his shirt off. And yes, the shirt-off part was _vital _to the exercise, as Orochimaru reminded him…everyday.

Then they moved on to practicing his Sharingan. Sasuke figured this was sensible since he could only perform the most basic techniques with it. Until he realized that every time he used the Blood Limit, Orochimaru would start muttering things like "Sadistically sweet" while never taking his eyes from him…

Finally, they moved on to jutsu's. At last, they began _real _training and everything seemed just as it should between teacher and pupil…until…Orochimaru made a move on Sasuke…

DUN DUN DUN!!!!!111 ^_^

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Wow, even after all of that, I still had to take a pause before adding more to the story! Yes, Sasuke's story is going to be two parts…hopefully the next one will be shorter! Anyways, I still hope you found it funny. Now please review!


	6. To Give You Peace of Mind

A/N: Naruto character presented here is very OOC…you have been warned.

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Gaara was sitting at his office desk, scribbling a single word on multiple sheets of paper and putting them on the corner of his desk meant for important documents that should be reviewed carefully. Instead, he was signing "Decline" on each one, not really reading any of them.

Suddenly, he jerked his head up, feeling a presence watching him. Looking directly forward, he narrowed his eyes and frowned.

"You know, you could've knocked before you just barged in and then proceeded to only watch me," he said, seemingly speaking to no one.

"What the hell do you mean I'm speaking to no-one?!" He shouted. "I'm speaking to YOU! Yes, you! You there, turning your head to look around you, the one sitting there watching me! Don't smile!! This isn't funny! You know what, screw it. No sense getting mad and it's evident that I'm in the presence of idiots so let me explain some things."

He gave a tired sigh and leaned back, a hand on the bridge of his nose. He closed his dark eyelids, making it look like he might've not had any eyeballs at all.

"Oh, that's just gross," Gaara muttered.

Sorry.

"Oh, don't be sorry. Just be quiet long enough for me to explain something to these lovely peeping Toms."

He sighed again. "Okay, so I bet everyone is wondering what the hell this is that you're reading, huh?" He gave an evil smirk. "Well, it ain't part II to Sasuke's Story, as everyone's been waiting for! I've been given the task (pssht, having to do tasks for others…I'm the Kazekage!!), anyways, I was asked to spread a message. A.D. Williams is having some writing issues at the moment and instead of just going another week or so before updating, she says that she wanted to give you guys _something _to read to let you know that she hadn't forgotten about this story. Although her mind does seem a bit preoccupied with her damn Death Note stories…like that stupid song parody she did called Special L…really, what the hell is that about?!"

He opened his eyes and sat up in his chair. "So, there's the big news. Now get the hell out of my office before I Sand Coffin all of you!" He paused for a moment, as though listening to something. "What's that? Even _here _I can't use it?! So why the _hell _do I even have the technique anymore?! What do you mean, it's murder?! I'll murder you if you don't get on with that bullshit!"

He turned his attention back to in front of him…to us, his audience. "Excuse me, are you hard of hearing? I gave my message; a new chapter is coming, hold tight. A.D. Williams, aka Amanda…she always answers reviews with her real name…quick Light Yagami, write her name down in your Death Note! You can find a real picture of her on her Myspace and—

Okay, Gaara, that's enough. I see I can't trust _you _anymore with simple tasks…I knew I should've asked Naruto. Wait. No. He would've been too engrossed with signing autographs or something. Believe it!

But anyways, yes people, I'm just letting you know that though I do have a main idea for the rest of Sasuke's story, it requires me watching a tad bit more of Shippuuden, so that's what I'm doing. I don't want to be too far off from everything that happens. As if I'm not already, but…yeah. I want to twist the characters he forms Hawk with (got this from Wikipedia) around my fingers, so to speak, but I want to watch them in action before I go there, lol! Okay, I'm done with this notice board. No need to really review, seeing as how this wasn't a real chapter…and I don't think I'll be keeping it up either.

Oh, and Gaara? You're fired as my messenger—"Ooh, I'm so hurt!" Gaara sarcastically wailed—and I'm hiring…Sai! Now there's an emo that'll get stuff done! Well, actually I wouldn't know. I'm only on the first episode where they meet him (oh, I love what he says to Naruto!! If only they could keep that in the English version!)…if anyone knows about what episode they'll start getting into more detail about Sasuke's group, please tell me. Don't give out anything that happens in the show, but a heads-up would be nice!

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Okay, till next chapter, peace out!

--A.D. Williams & Gaara


	7. Sasuke's Story part 2

Okay, you know how I haven't updated in three millennia and a quarter of a century all because I wanted to watch a certain section of the Shippuuden episodes? Well guess what? New plan!! Okay, to heck with Sasuke's story being based off of what truly happened in the show because doing some looking-back, my version is not even close to what really happens! So, why should I stress myself to make the rest of this fit? I keep forgetting to watch more episodes and when I do, I generally watch only a few at a time. Blame my stressful job for not allowing me to stay awake longer. Anyways, so, here's my rendition of his story. Okay, now read this until you're rolling on the floor, laughing your ass off…seriously, you might want to get some super glue for when that happens.

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**Sasuke's Story **(part 2)

ON THE LAST EPISODE OF _PEDOPHILES!_

Sasuke: I won't do it, Orochimaru! I refuse to!

Orochimaru: Yes you will! You will because I'll make you!

Sasuke: Never!

Orochimaru: Yes, damnit! You will eat that tapioca pudding or so help me--!!

NOW BACK TO OUR REGULAR BROADCASTING!

…_WTF?! _

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Sasuke stretched out in his chair, trying to get comfortable. _My gods, and they wonder why people hate hospitals. These chairs are like sitting on rocks! _

Everyone was waiting for him to continue.

"So, where was I?" he said, trying to think. "Oh yeah, Orochimaru had made a move on me. Not like he hadn't been doing weird things since I got there, but this one kinda took the cake."

The Flashback Fog started to cloud the room once more…

"Wait!" Naruto shouted out.

The Fog receded.

"So, like, of all the people here in Konoha, in all of this weird world that's only referred to vaguely as nations or lands, why the hell did he choose you? I'm much stronger, anyone could see that!"

Sakura's fist twitched, but she managed to hold back the punch that was threatening to collide with his head.

Kakashi on the other hand, didn't utilize his own control and immediately knocked a good landing on his noggin.

"What did we say about talking during Flashbacks, hm? Keep quiet!" He turned to Sasuke with that cartoonish smile again and said, "Please, continue Sasuke." Under his breath he added. "And for the love of the Hokage, hurry the hell up! I'm missing the premiere of the Icha Icha Paradise movie on TV!"

Sasuke took a deep breath, and as he started to talk again, the Flashback Fog surrounded them once more…

_Do I really need to announce that this is a flashback? Okay, yes, it is! Again. Am I getting paid for these?! _

As Sasuke chopped the pile of wood beside him, completely shirtless, he was a bit surprised to find a shadow covering him as he brought the ax down again. Whipping around, he saw Orochimaru standing there with a smirk on his face. Staring at Sasuke…

"My, you're all…sweaty, Sasuke," he breathed in a weird tone.

"Uh, yeah. That generally happens when you're doing hard labor in eighty degree weather," the boy replied sarcastically.

"Mmm" The other man said.

"Was there something you wanted? Or were you going to just stare at me some more?"

Orochimaru gave a chuckle, creeping Sasuke out completely. "As pleasing as that sounds, I actually just wanted to give you this…" He walked toward him, one hand behind his back.

Sasuke didn't even think. Immediately, his body forced his chakra into his hand, effectively making his Chidori and sent the energy sphere at his _still _kimono-clad "teacher." The force knocked the other man back, the robes flying open…

Sasuke didn't want to look, but his eyes wouldn't go elsewhere. Were those…Calvin Klein silk underwear?! Was he trying to plan a romantic evening with someone…with…_him?!! _

The only object he had held in his hands was a cup, the contents of which were now dripping off the snake-man.

Orochimaru tried to struggle to his feet, all to fall down to his knees. "You…you bastard! I just thought you might want some lemonade! You were working out here and getting all…sweaty—" Despite his weakened state, he still managed to sound…er, _that way_ when saying that word. "I just…wanted you…to taste…my…lemonade." His eyes rolled closed and he fell on his side…dead.

Sasuke was a bit shocked at himself for actually having killed someone. It's one thing to practice having to do it in training, but to really, _really _do it was something all on its own.

But he didn't have time to revel in this horror. An overly-large beetle of some sort must've smelled the sugary beverage on Orochimaru. It sniffed his body a few times before grabbing him in its pinchers and dragging him down into a deep hole in the ground.

Sasuke made an O.O expression as he stared at the mini-crater. "O-kay then…" he said slowly. As he turned to go back inside, the man he had ran across a few years earlier suddenly appeared, a new Pokedex in his hands.

"I've found it! The rare Pinsir! And…what is this?"

He once again pointed the device at Sasuke. "Sasuke, the cool, calm, and collected Pokémon. Sasuke's are very intelligent and often are found with immense powers and—" the PokeDex started to splutter, then laughed outright. "No, I'm just kidding! You're still an emo! Oh man, you should've seen his face! Priceless!!"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes in agitation and stormed off. "That thing is so fuckin' broken."

Back in the house, he ran into Kabuto. "So, you're done providing fantasies for Orochimaru-sama?" the man sneered.

"The pervert is dead. I killed him," Sasuke said shortly, heading to his room.

Kabuto took only a moment to register if this was the truth before shouting out, "HEY EVERYONE! THE OLD SHE-MALE IS DEAD!!"

All along the hallways, different doors opened up. For a split second, Orochimaru's botched experiments stared at each other to confirm this news. Then, a tidal wave of bodies rushed for the front door. There was a bit of a hold up as the first six people squeezed through at the same time, but then, like a river, the rest quickly followed suite. In less than ten seconds, the base was nearly empty.

Kabuto turned to Sasuke, them being the only ones left. "So, where you going from here?"

Sasuke shrugged. "Always wanted to be an actor. Think I'll go try my hand at that."

Kabuto gave him a long stare. "Uh-huh," he finally said. "Well, good luck with that. I have a cousin out west that I'm going to go stay with for awhile. After that, I think I'm just going to retreat from civilization for a bit. Live it up in the mountains or something. Never have to worry about bills, technology that is only sparsely mentioned in this show, or man-whores. It's a perfect existence."

Now it was Sasuke's turn to stare. "Um…right. Well, see you around…or not."

Kabuto gave him one quick wave and was gone. Quickly, Sasuke ran up to the room he had been using and grabbed the backpack under his bed that was already filled with all his belongings. He didn't bother to shut the front door behind him as we walked out. Dramatically, he pulled a lighter out of his pocket and flicked it to life. Then, without looking back, he threw it over his shoulder. A second later, he could hear something metal hit the ground.

He finally stopped to look behind him. There the lighter lay, twenty feet from the front doorstep of the house. "You know, they always make it look so easy in the movies," he muttered. This time he took the lighter back to the house and held the flame up to it. Still nothing much happened.

Breaking one of the outside oil lamps, he poured the gas over the front door and lit the lighter. Still nothing. "Oh, this is some bullshit!!" He yelled to no one. "Fine, screw a lighter!" Doing a few hand signs, he took in a deep breath and blew it out, mentally shouting "Fire style! Fireball jutsu!"

This time, the entire structure went up in flames. Now Sasuke could walk away dramatically. From out of nowhere, an old western tune was struck up and Sasuke put his hand in his pockets, head bowed and shadowed as the light from the fire burned brightly over his shoulder.

"I'm wanted (wanted!) dead or alive!" he secretly whispered excitedly. And so he was off to find new adventures. What things would Sasuke come across next? Find out on the next episode of Pokémon!

"Who's that Pokemon?" A group of people from nowhere shouted. A silhouette appeared in front of Sasuke in the form of someone very familiar…tall, pointy short hair…they were wearing something like a jumpsuit…

"It's Akamaru!" the invisible crowd shouted out.

"How the hell do you get Akamaru from Naruto?!" Sasuke screamed. But the Pokemon insert was finished and his invisible audience remained quiet.

So, moving along the trip, Sasuke finally made it to a town that was famous for its movie-producing abilities. He wasn't sure what kind of role he wanted to portray but was willing to give anything a shot. Which is why he eagerly responded to several very bright and colorful flyers that were all over the town. All he had to do was portray a calm, strong young man who was a fierce fighter for those he loved and wouldn't mind some CGI graphics and flying around with special equipment. How hard could that be?

Turns out, it was harder than he thought.

"Sorry kid, but you're not what we're looking for," the casting crew told him on that foggy morning after his audition went very sour. Sasuke had used his hatred for his brother as he fuel for the role…there was a difference between being a fierce fighter and being totally bloodthirsty for a kill…which was ironic because…

"Fine! I didn't want to be stupid Edward Cullen anyways!_ Twilight _is gonna suck without Sasuke Uchiha in it!" He shouted back, storming out of the building. As he left out, he ever so gently brushed against a pale teenage boy with bronze hair and very red lips. The other boy only looked at him quizzically, then shook his head and went in. Before he could fully leave the studio parking lot, Sasuke heard many screams and shouts of joy for the new auditioner. He gritted his teeth and silently cursed the boy to hell that the movie as a whole would turn out an epic failure. And whaddaya know…it did. Unless you were a rabid teen fangirl just looking for cinematic eye-candy.

_End flashback…finally!!! _

"So, with my acting career down the drain, and no where else to crash, I decided to come back here," Sasuke told the now half-asleep crowd.

"Say wha--? Oh, yeah…yeah…" Kakashi mumbled as he yawned, trying to wake back up. The only person that showed no signs of fatigue were Lee. And really, that's no surprise.

"The power of youth kept me awake throughout your entire, boring story, Sasuke! Your ability to put others to sleep stands no match against my will!"

_Can I slap him? Please? _Sasuke begged to himself.

"Now I must go home and face my mother who is the strongest opponent yet I have faced that knows the monologue jutsu!" Lee continued.

_Please?! _Sasuke pleaded again.

"Gai-sensei will be thrilled to hear that I have yet overcome another obstacle! As he always says, "I want to be stronger than I was yesterday! Than I was an hour ago! Than I was a minute ago! Than I was a sec—"

_You know what? Fuck it. _Sasuke reached across to the other bed and pinched a spot between Lee's collar bone and shoulder. Immediately he stilled, then slumped over unconscious. It was a silencing/rape technique he had learned from Orochimaru. Not that he had any intentions of even thinking about doing the latter! And even so, with Lee?! Ugh!!

The others were coming-to finally, loud yawns filling the room. "Well, that was a lovely story, Sasuke," Kakashi said half-heartedly. "But I have some Icha Icha to catch. We'll continue this heart-to-heart later. Come along Sakura, let you make an even bigger droll pool at your feet than you already have," and thus he grabbed the girls' collar and dragged her out of the room with her.

"I love you Sasuke!!" she shouted out frantically.

Sasuke turned to her and mouthed "Elephant juice" which Sakura mistook for "I love you." The last thing the boy saw before she was whipped around the corner was a pair of large, chibi green eyes. Oh no…maybe he shouldn't have toyed with her emotions like that.

A few creaking pieces of furniture announced that the others (minus Lee of course) had stood up. "Yeah, we need to be on our way as well," Kankuro said, and Temari nodded beside him. Gaara stood on wobbly legs, but otherwise was fine.

Naruto was giving his old childhood friend and rival a large smile. Ignoring everyone else in the room, he threw an arm around him and brought him into a tight hug. "Welcome back, Sasuke," he whispered.

"Awwwww!!" Everyone shouted, even the nurses who had come to check out the new jail bait.

_Yaoi, yaoi, yaoi! _Temari mentally chanted.

Sasuke gave Naruto a half-hearted pat on the back, then gently pushed him away. "Oh, now that I'm dirt poor, I'm gonna be crashing at your place," He said. Not a question, a demand.

"What?!" the blonde suddenly yelled in out rage, their sweet little moment now totally in the past. "And what if I don't want you living with me? You probably will be a horrible room mate! Believe it!"

"Pfft, please! I can manage to keep an entire house clean, while you catch hell with just your bedroom!" Both boys began walking out the door, taking their vocal rumble with them.

Temari, Kankuro and Gaara followed suit. Well, wasn't that a pleasant diversion, the redhead thought to himself. The meeting he was to attend would start later that afternoon. Ugh, would he really have to wear that sweltering gown of a Kazekage outfit?!

He flicked his eyes over to his siblings, then did a double take at Temari. "Um…Temari? You seem to have a bit of something on your chin…yeah, that wet stuff…"

"Huh?" She asked, puzzled. He mind and eyes had been focused on the two teenagers in front of her, still squabbling.

Kankuro and Gaara exchanged glances that read, "But of course she'd be focused on them." So far, Gaara was caring less and less for this trip to Konoha.

* * *

Chay!! Finally, it's finished! Wow, that was a long pause! But hey, at least Gaara gave you guys a heads up about why it was taking so long.

Gaara: Yes, you're right, I did. But for basically no reason seeing as you still said screw the rules, you'll write whatever you want to anyways! Yes, go find that damn Sai and make him your messenger boy because I refuse to be so any longer!

I never forced you to do anything…if you agreed, it was of your own accord. Anyways, before you launch into that rant, Gaara, that I know is bursting to break free, I'm going to ask the lovely readers to review. Please? Don't make me pinch you like Sasuke did Lee! ^_^ Arigatou!

Oh, and as to the Twilight comment…well…I'm in the midst right now of reading the second book. I've not seen the movie, but let's just say I'm not going to let some slightly cute British guy determine my over-all enjoyment factor when I do!


	8. Meet and Greet Hour

Okay, please forgive the long pause in updating…I kinda had some muse issues. Anyways, I did try on this here; I hope you find something about it funny. So, read it, like it, love it, and review it! But you already knew all of that, lol!

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Meet and Greet Hour

Since there were still several hours to kill before the meeting, Gaara accepted a tour around the village from Naruto after letting Sasuke ditch his bag at his house. Well, "letting" isn't the proper term. It was demanded of Naruto that Sasuke would be staying there…there wasn't a choice in the matter.

The blonde did show him the sights of the village; he was good on that part. But did he have to tell every personal event that had ever happened to him at each one?!

"And here," Naruto babbled happily, totally oblivious to the tired and blank stare Gaara had now plastered on his face, "Is our academy. It took me four tries to finally become a ninja. Believe it!"

"So shouldn't you be older than your peers? The ones you were supposed to graduate with left you behind years ago," Gaara pointed out, pulling out of his forced daze long enough to notice this part of Naruto's story.

"What?" the boy asked. "No! In fact, Sasuke's a few months older than me!"

"So did you fail too, Sasuke?" Gaara asked.

"What kind of stupid ass question is that?" Sasuke asked, incredulous horror evident in his voice. "Uchiha's fail at nothing."

Gaara gave him a long stare before looking away. "How lovely," he said to him. To Naruto he said, "So, if everyone in your class is as old as you…something here isn't making sense. Currently, you should be like twenty compared to their being around sixteen. This is as crazy as a flashback fog."

Suddenly everyone stilled, waiting for the area to start clouding over with an unexplained mist. After a few moments of nothingness passed, the tension slowly faded.

"Don't diss the fog…" Naruto whispered, looking around cautiously like it might hear him.

"This is a weird village," Gaara was about to say, but was cut off by someone screaming in a very high pitched voice. Then, the next thing he knew, something purple and blonde had thrown itself at him and it took all his might to keep himself standing.

"GAAAAARRRRRRAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" Ino shouted out for nearly the whole world to hear. "Long time no see! How are you?"

"I'm sorry, are you deaf?!" Gaara asked her. "Why are you shouting? And how dare you touch me! I'm the Kazekage, bi—no, you don't call women that, Gaara. Or at least not out loud."

"Oh, I'm like, totally sorry about that!" Ino said, throwing her hair over her shoulder. "So, like, you now look, like, totally hot, and like, so cool. So, like, last time I saw you, you were all angry over the whole, Sasuke hitting you or something thing, but like, you're cool with us now, right? I mean, it was a small hit and it was, like, the chuunin exams anyways, so like, hitting each other was the point and…"

Gaara found himself slipping back into his daze. He saw Ino's mouth moving, but had all but muted her voice. _Dude, does she ever shut up?! What's this? Now she's talking about liking carrots over broccoli? How did the subject get to that?! _

"And I like, know ranch dressing is supposed to be healthier than, like, Thousand Island, but I just find the taste so much better. I mean, when you think about all the flavors out there, it just gets so confusing, right? I mean, you just have to limit it down to like, two or three favorites! Oh, that makes me think of what happened when I went to the store yesterday! I was shopping for…"

_Is she _still_ speaking?_ Gaara thought, still trying his hardest to keep her voice out of his ears. _How much can a person talk before their tongue collapses from exhaustion? Does she have an off button?! _

"And then my mom was all like, 'You're not grown yet! You don't know what's best for you!' And I'm all like, 'Mo-om, I'm like, sixteen now! Hel-loo!' And so we started to argue over it right there, which was totally not cool, cause, like, I'd already just got done having a fight with my friend Sakura that day, who has, like, the biggest forehead in history! But it's not that I really don't like her, it's just that, like, she and I are too alike, but anyways, so later on I decided to change into this really cute skirt I'd just bought, and…"

_That's it. I can't take any more of this. I'm going to tell her to shut the hell up! I-I have to! _

"Are you listening, Gaara?" Ino suddenly stopped and asked. It was the only true words Gaara registered from her.

"I'm sure that everything you just said was of extreme importance," he said with a very straight face. The girl cast him a sideways glance as though thinking he wasn't quite right in the head before mercifully walking away.

But just when he thought he was through with impromptu visitors, a very quiet voice could be heard over by a shaded tree. Naruto, Sasuke and Gaara were still standing in front of the academy and the person that had spoken stood by the same tree that Naruto had had most of his emo flashbacks at. Yes, the one with the swing, oh so similar to the same one in Gaara's flashbacks as well.

"Hi, Naruto," the shy, silver-eyed girl said, blushing and looking at the ground. She kept pushing her two index fingertips together as she stood there.

"Oh, hi Hinata!" Naruto said happily. Gaara could see the evident liking the girl had for him, but Naruto greeted her like he would anyone else…by screaming their name only one octave away from being as loud as Ino's was.

"I just wanted to tell you..." Hinata continued, "That, um…I…" Suddenly, her voice trailed off, whatever she was supposed to be saying became a mumble.

"Sorry Hinata, didn't catch any of that!" Naruto screamed at her. Gaara rolled his eyes. Great, half the people here had overly loud voices and those that didn't had voices that faded like farts on the wind…ew…

"I said, I just wanted to tell you…" Hinata started again, but still her voice became an indistinguishable whisper.

"Oh come on Hinata!" Sasuke suddenly said. "I've been gone two years and you still haven't grown some balls to tell Naruto how you feel?"

All noise ceased and three pairs of very shocked eyes met his.

"What? Don't look at me like that! Evidently her mysterious lady parts aren't helping her out any! She needs to start being a man and expressing herself!"

"So would she still be a girl or what…?" Naruto wondered out loud. Gaara groaned to himself again. Figures of speech were lost on this kid.

"Well, I just wanted…" Hinata said, a bit louder than the last two times. "I wanted to tell you…good luck on the chunnin exams!"

Naruto blinked at her. "Huh? That's all? That's your big confession?"

She shifted nervously. "Well, I know that you never passed…back when we first took it, nor the second time, or the third time. This will be your fourth try."

"Not true! I've been gone training with Jiraiya, the pervy sage!"

"But he's always made a point of bringing you back for the exams…which you've not completed."

Naruto narrowed his eyes at her. "Alright, fine, whatever. Is that all you wanted to say to me?" Suddenly, he didn't like Hinata as much as he used to.

"Well, yes…I guess." And just like that, shy Hinata was back. She gave a small bow and then quickly hurried away, mumbling to herself.

Sasuke shrugged. "Well, she didn't grow as big of balls as I'd hoped, but I guess not everyone can have some as big as mine." Gaara gave him a shocked-horror look that he totally missed. With that, he walked away, whistling some dark tune. Naruto looked torn between showing Gaara around more and following the Uchiha.

"Go on, I need to go get ready for the meeting anyways," Gaara said, having had his fill of Naruto's village people. Or rather, the women in it.

The blonde gave a large wave, then ran after Sasuke to no doubt talk his ear off about all the changes that had happened in his absence…or something like that.

Gaara quickly ran back to the hotel room that he was sharing with his siblings, lest another person cross his path. He'd had enough chit-chat to last a lifetime. He never was one for talking.

When he slid back the door, quite a sight greeted him. Temari was rubbing a sharpening stone over a large metal fan, humming to herself. Who was she planning on attacking? In the bathroom, he could hear the water running and a lot of splashing going on. He went around the corner to check it out.

Kankuro had stripped off his shirt and was scrubbing vigorously all over, his skin red and raw from the pressure.

"Don't tell me you're a germaphobe now," Gaara said sardonically with narrowed eyes.

"Have you come across some kid named Kiba?!" his brother shouted instead.

"No, can't say that I have. "

"Good, don't! I thought we were all going to have just a nice conversation, you know? Exchange a bit of ninja info or something. Then he got to talking about his dog which is the size of a deer. And wouldn't you know that damn mutt _pissed on me!!!_"

At these last three words, Gaara took a very large step backwards. Oh, that's just nasty.

"The damn kid called it 'dynamic marking' and _congratulated _it for wizzing on me! Ugh!!" But then he stopped for a moment and gave his brother an evil grin, water dripping from his sopping hair. "But that's okay…I got it back. I pissed on his dog too!"

Gaara's eyes were about to now pop out of his head. "Oh, Kankuro! Please tell my you didn't! I'm the Kazekage! You are family of the Kazekage! We have an image to keep! And pissing on dogs isn't it!"

His brother shrugged. "Hey, you'd have done it too if you were in my situation. Besides, the stupid mutt and the kid both found it all funny and just walked away laughing, but not before congratulating _me_ on my "dynamic marking" skills."

Gaara didn't say anything, but left his brother to his scrubbing and his sister to her scraping and went into one of the bedrooms that were in the suite. He would've killed to retreat to his sand shelter, but now wasn't the time for it. He glanced at the clock. One and a half hours left before the meeting. Throwing himself on his back on the bed, he said, "Sand Shuffle!" and the ever-present grains formed a small, rectangular device that turned out to be an iPod Shuffle, complete with over a hundred songs. And yes, it worked.

He smirked to himself. _Heh, sand rocks. _He passed the time away in his own personal bubble, building back up his patience reserve for the near future when he'd undoubtedly need it again.

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Okay, there you have it. Please drop a review! ^_^


	9. An Akatsuki Adventure!

Due to the fact that I've been taking so long to update each chapter, I had almost forgotten a very important element in my story! This story had more of a plot than just Gaara going to Konoha! Oh, speaking of that…maybe some of you have already read it, maybe some of you haven't, but I wrote a song parody of "You Found Me" for Naruto and Gaara, check it out if you'd like. Anywho, though this chapter is still pretty random, it does start to put things back on track. Please enjoy! ^_^

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An Akatsuki Adventure!

(Boy doesn't that sound like a Pokémon episode!)

The Akatsuki had arrived in Konoha thirty minutes after Gaara and his family had, and thus had missed their crash landing and the resulting trip to the hospital.

"Arrgh, I still can't believe that fucking kid threw up on me!!!" Itachi shouted as they walked the streets of Konoha, furiously wiping his shoulder with a wet cloth. They were all wearing straw hats to shade their faces. Kisame's was balanced on top of his water bowl.

"Hey, at least it wasn't your hair, hm," Deidara said, eyes wide in wonderment as he examined the village. "Besides, it's time I took my clothes to the dry cleaners. Oh, how I love it when they come back so snuggly soft!"

Itachi quirked an eyebrow and looked at Sasori. "Are you _sure _when you two roomed together, he never made a pass at you?"

Sasori ignored his question and instead said, "It's still too early to make our move. Not to mention, we have to find the jinchuuriki first. I suggest we lay low for the time being."

Kisame whipped his head around. "Don't tell me we're catching both of them today?! The redhead and the blonde?"

Sasori frowned at him. "For the love of kami, Kisame, would you please take that ridiculous bowl off your head? Just put on some sunscreen and lotion, you'll be fine. But I'm tired of seeing literal speech bubbles everytime you talk."

Kisame blew his tongue at him, which only created more bubbles. Sasori resisted the urge to smash his head into a wall, effectively getting rid of his water tank.

"Ooh! Ichiraku ramen! They're quite famous!" Deidara chirped. "Oh, can we please eat here? Hm?"

Sasori stopped and examined the tiny noodle stand. "You've gotta be effing kidding me that this place is famous," he drawled in a sour tone.

"I second that," Itachi said, turning his nose up to the structure.

"Don't knock it until you try it, hm!" Deidara said, skipping toward the place.

"I _have _tried it," Itachi muttered to himself. "And I really don't care for it. Sasuke would always drag me here in the dead of night just before it closed so he could grab some without anyone noticing."

"Awwwww!" Kisame bubbled. Now Itachi too was getting sick of that damn bowl.

Reaching over, he plucked it from his head. Kisame's eyes grew wide for a moment, then he grabbed his throat and started making gasping sounds. Falling to the ground, his body flopped all over the place like a fish.

"Water! Oh dear god, I need water!!" he panted. After a moment, his body stopped moving but his mouth continuously opened and closed slowly while his eyes took on a glazed look.

"Ew, he even smells like dead seafood!" Sasori said, covering his nose. "Itachi, just give him back the stupid bowl."

"No! I've seen him without that damn bowl before! Screw a special ointment, there isn't one! He's faking this!" Itachi accused.

The three Akatsuki members turned their eyes back to their comrade. Now Kisame was completely still. Flies had begun to land on his face.

"I think it's too late," Deidara whispered.

They looked up at each other in silence.

"Well, if he's gone, he's gone. There's nothing we can do!" Itachi snapped and stormed off, not realizing he was still heading for the ramen shop. Sasori followed him. Deidara took a moment to form a small white flower with his clay before laying it over Kisame's body, then ran after the other two.

They sat down and ordered the same thing. Well…Deidara just _had_ to go creative with things and ask for a mixture of everything on the menu. They ate in relative silence (for once! Perhaps keeping Deidara's mouth full was the key to peace) until a loud voice interrupted things.

"You mother fuckers were actually about to leave me out there to die!!" Kisame screamed at them. The bowl was back on his head, so his voice came out watery. Suddenly, he held up Deidara's explosive white clay flower between his fingers. "And what the hell is this?!" he shouted accusingly at the blonde. "Deidara…I thought you were my friend."

Itachi coughed and spit out half his food. Sasori simply stopped chewing, then turned to him.

"We are Akatsuki," he whispered fiercely so no one would over-hear. "We are an organization bound by one goal: To turn the power of the Lands in our favor using the jinchuuriki. Yes, at times we will work together such as you and Itachi, or me and Deidara, or mexItachixDeidara…wait, is that a yaoi threesome?! Anyways! We work only as comrades. If there's a weak link in the chain, then it must be removed. There are no _friends _among us."

Kisame opened his mouth to reply, but held it back and sat down beside Deidara. Quietly the other whispered, "Don't worry, you'll always be my friend! Hm!"

The freaky fish guy* ordered some ramen for himself. Then he paused. With the bowl on his head, there was no way to get food to his mouth. Then an idea hit him. Using a claw, he drew a small circle on the top of his bowl. Carefully lifting it up, he set it aside and grabbed his ramen.

Itachi just happened to be turning his head that way and noticed it. "No, no, no, no!" He said, a disgusted look on his face. "Kisame, don't you dare—"

The ramen clouded the water as it was dumped in.

That was it. Itachi lost his lunch. Sasori lost his because Itachi had, and Deidara was fighting the battle to not follow suite.

Meanwhile, Kisame happily slurped noodles in his bowl.

The owner of the store came out from the back of the shop to notice the two sick patrons. "Oh, come on! I'm not cleaning that up!" He turned his back for just a split second but that was all the time they needed.

"I say we make like a leaf and split," Sasori said, getting the phrase wrong. "Besides, I'm kinda in-between jobs again; I don't have the money to pay for this." Without waiting for the others, he jumped up and ran out of there. Itachi rushed after him on unsteady legs. Deidara stood carefully, making sure to avoid the pools of sick, and Kisame hopped up as well, snagging Deidara's leftover ramen.

Moving swiftly on the roofs, they didn't stop until they had reached a back fence surrounding the village. By then, Kisame had devoured both his and Deidara's food.

"I never in the rest of the time that I walk this earth, want to see that again," Itachi said heatedly.

Kisame ignored him, turning his head up and away. That's when he caught sight of it. A small goldfish was swimming around in pointless circles in someone's house.

The man gasped. "Those bastards have caught one of my brethren! This deed will not go unpunished!"

At the same time, Sasori caught sight of a familiar blonde head, strolling next to someone that looked vaguely familiar. Not that he'd ever seen the other person before, but their features looked similar to…

Itachi also turned his head to notice Naruto walking beside Sasuke. A lump formed in his throat at the sight of his brother, but he hid his emotions from the others.

Sasori's eyes narrowed dangerously. "There he goes," he whispered, his eyes locked on Naruto. "He has one pip-squeak friend with him, but we can quickly make short work of him. I and Itachi will go after this jinchuuriki, Deidara, you and Kisame go find the—what the hell are you doing Kisame?!" he broke off.

Kisame had climbed through the window of the house and was standing in front of the fish bowl. Quickly, he snatched the goldfish into his hand. Walking back to the window, he said, "Be free, fishie, be free!!" and threw the fish out the window.

…Where it landed on the street with a soft _plop. _A sizzling sound could be heard as the water from the fish immediately evaporated on the sweltering concrete. The fish feebly flopped around like Kisame had done earlier.

"Oh no, what have I done?!" he screamed. Jumping back onto the street, he scooped up the fish. Lifting the top up on the bowl again, he deposited it into the water. The fish turned belly-up and didn't move.

Itachi's face started to gain a bit of a green tint to it. He quickly turned away lest he embarrass himself twice that day.

Kisame's eyes grew wide in horror as he watched the fish bob around in the water. Deidara came up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. Their eyes met, and Deidara simply shook his head sadly. Kisame nodded in understanding.

Lifting the top up again, he carefully pulled the fish out of the water. Cupping the small body in his hands, he started to hum the military funeral song, Taps, as he walked over to a bush. The others followed him, though Itachi kept his face turned away.

"Goldie was a very special friend of mine," Kisame began. Of course everyone wanted to shout you "You just met the damn fish!!" but they held it back. "He and I used to always play on the swing set in the park. Of course Goldie was never all the way mentally there, so he'd always try to swing side to side on the swings, not back and forth…which one day resulted in him getting tangled in all the swings."

"Goldie loved caramel apples and to play Halo 3. He never got past the first stage, but it was okay. I'd always pat him on the back and say "There's always another day…there's always another day…" Here, Kisame's voice broke and he buried his face in Deidara's shoulder.

After he'd composed himself, he knelt down in front of the bush. Digging a small hole, he laid the fish in it, then covered it back up. Deidara made another clay flower and laid it on the spot.

When Kisame stood back up, a new vigor shone in his eyes. "That's it. That damn jinchuuriki is mine. For Goldie!" He shouted, putting his hand out, waiting for the others to stack theirs on top.

"For Goldie!" Deidara shouted. "Hm!"

They looked at Sasori. He narrowed his eyes. "I'm not shouting that wack ass bullshit," he said. They didn't even bother with Itachi.

Splitting up into their appropriate groups, each started off after their target. The time for action had finally come

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That asterisk was due to the fact that I had used a Little Kuriboh line in calling Kisame a "freaky fish guy". If you don't know who that is, don't worry about it. If you do, you'll know that he's only the greatest Yu-Gi-Oh abridger ever!

Okay, sorry for the long chapter, but I just had too many ideas with Kisame that I wanted to throw in here. But hey, at least Itachi was actually vocal! Well, let me not add to the length of this with silly chatter. Be kind and send a review, please!


	10. The Element of Demise

So, it's been nearly another millennia since I've updated, but forgive me for that. Between having lost internet for nearly a month and muse issues (for an entire month!!), this chapter is only recently being made viewable by the general public. Anywho, do enjoy!

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The Element of Demise

"Does this make me look fat?" Gaara asked his siblings. He stood in front of a long mirror in his room wearing the blue and white gown that he'd about killed his sister over when she'd tried to return it to him a week earlier. "Also, I don't think blue is my color. I'm more of a maroon. It helps bring out my eyes."

Kankuro shook his head and Temari sighed. "Your red hair brings out your eyes. Too much red and you'd look like a walking chili pepper," she said to him. "And no, it doesn't make you look fat. Just…fluffy."

Gaara narrowed his eyes at her in the mirror, then also sighed. "Well, I guess I better get going." He took one step, tripped over the long hem, and fell flat on his face. "Okay, so perhaps there's going to be a few setbacks…" he muttered.

The other two giggled. "Lift up the bottom slightly in one hand," Temari suggested. Gaara did as she said, daintily lifting up part of the gown in his thumb and middle finger. When he began walking again, he was pleased to find that there were no hindrances in his steps

Happily, he exited the hotel room to head to the annual Kage meeting. Back in the room though, Temari looked horrified while her brother started to cackle. "I didn't mean for him to hold it up like _that,_" she said. Kankuro gasped for air, saying things like, "Oh gods…Gaara looked like a chick! In a dress! And mascara!!"

His sister elbowed him sharply in the ribs. "This is serious! Kankuro…our brother…might like cross dressing."

Kankuro sobered up. "But I thought you liked that type of stuff, you know, boyxboy and…stuff."

"Yeah, but not when it's your brother!"

He narrowed his eyes. "What's the difference? As long as you're not fantasizing about him…EW!" He crumpled his face in revulsion. "Okay, ignore that last line. But still, I don't get where you're coming from."

Temari gave another sigh. "I guess it's just a whole new ball game when you're related to the person…oh well, if this is Gaara, then this is Gaara. Regardless, I have a date with that Shikamaru kid." She started to the door, her newly sharpened fan in tow. Kankuro muttered a mental prayer for the Shikamaru kid. Whatever he'd done to piss off his sister, he'd soon regret it.

The walk to the Hokage's building was a short one for Gaara, due to him getting a dignitary suite nearby. As he traipsed down the road, he almost spun around and ran back as he saw Naruto walking his way. And poor Sasuke…how did he withstand all that blabber?!! Well, the guy had had years to get used to it since they were on the same team…and years to be rid of it since he had run away. Yep, poor Sasuke.

The Uchiha's eyes were closed as he strolled along, hands in his pockets. He seemed calm and collected, as most Uchiha are…they are often found either practicing vigorously with shiriken or lounging in trees. They have a diet of—

Suddenly, Sasuke looked up and glared at an unseen force. "Would you shut the hell up?! One more person or thing starts cataloguing me like I'm a damn Pokémon and we're fighting!"

_Oh man…looks like the guy finally lost it. _Garaa muttered to himself. Sasuke was talking to himself…once again, poor him.

He continued his walking, trying not to catch Naruto's eye if he could help it…but this was Naruto Uzemaki we were talking about here. There's no such thing of him not noticing someone walking directly past him…and in a blue gown no less.

"HI GARAA!!!!" he screamed upon landing eyes on him. Oh great. Here we go again.

"Naruto, I'm kinda in a hurry, I don't have time for—"

"Hey, you're about to go to that meeting, huh?! How about Sasuke and I walk with you there!!"

"Aw, hell no!" Both Sasuke and Gaara said at the same time.

"This'll be great! Wow, I wonder what all goes on at those meetings! To think, you Gaara, a Kazekage! I can't wait till I'm a Hokage! Believe it! Then everyone will start respecting me and stuff! And I can have all the ramen I want! And there's not going to be anyone to tell me that I can't do my ultra sexy jutsu and—"

Suddenly, his rambles were cut short as something dark and fast crashed into him. Actually, it was two blurs. One hit Naruto, the other tackled Sasuke.

"Don't touch me! Don't fuckin' touch me!!!!" Sasuke screamed, having a full blown panic attack. A remnant of his time with Orochimaru. Naruto on the other hand, just giggled like it was a game.

"Wait, wait, not the under arms! I'm ticklish there!!" he panting between laughs.

Gaara blinked at them, then realized what the dark shadows were. Ataksuki. These two, if he remembered correctly, were…oh no. Sasori and Itachi. That meant that there were more in the area. Looked like they hadn't given up on their hunt for the jinchuuriki.

It was Sasori who'd attacked Naruto, Itachi who had taken on Sasuke.

"Well, well, well, looks like you brought a snack," Sasori said with an evil grin on his face. His eyes had landed on Gaara.

"Arrgh, no _Twilight _quotes!" Sasuke yelled.

Sasori glared at him, then looked up at Itachi. The older brother had pinned the younger one to a wall, holding him up with a hand on his throat.

"Let's stick to the plan. I've got the blonde, you take out your brother. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'll put a bit of faith in Deidara and Kisame to handle that guy," Sasori said, nodding toward Gaara.

"You know, you two look alike. Are you sure you don't have an illegitimate kid or a brother?" Naruto said, speaking of Sasori and Gaara. Sasori narrowed his eyes and frowned. Then he pulled back his hand and punched him in the face.

"Hey! That's not very nice! Believe it!" Naruto chocked through the blood running down his face. But without further ado, Sasori commenced to beating the crap out of him.

"Daaamn!" Gaara whispered, unable to pull his eyes away from the fight.

At the same time, Sasuke and Itachi were staring each other down. "So, you're gonna finally try to defeat me?" Sasuke said, his eyes blazing with his Sharingan.

"Actually, I had another idea," Itachi said. He leaned forward to whisper in his ear. "Look, by now I'm sure you've heard that I only slaughtered the family because it was my mission and that I really did care about everyone. Also, that I really spared you because I was too weak to kill you…I mean, you were too cute as a kid!" He grinned and pinched Sasuke's cheek.

The boy slapped his hand away. "Wait, what the hell?! For realz?! So you're not a heartless bastard? And why the hell couldn't you have said all of this then rather than making me go through life all emo-ish and stuff!"

"Because the ladies love an emo! Look at your stupid friend over there," Itachi said, gesturing to Naruto. He was lying on the ground. Sasori was standing over him, walking around and doing taunts for an invisible crowd as though to get them hyped for something. Then he clapped his hands together and quickly dropped on the boy with his elbow.

"Oooh, the People's Elbow! Just like the wrestler The Rock does!" Gaara said, still watching on.

"You see Sasuke," Itachi spoke back to his brother, "Ladies don't want the hyperactive spazz. Seriously, is this kid on Ridalin or something? He has to have ADHD."

"He does," Sasuke lamented, "but unfortunately here in the anime world, diseases aren't diagnosed, they're simply swept under the carpet and made out to be the person's personality. Take Light Yagami from Death Note for example. It's quite clear the kid is schizo. But what does the writing staff do? They tag on a name for his imaginary other self (aka, Kira) and thus the show has a plot. They're exploiting his mental illness!"

"Whatever, that's beside the point. I'm not really gonna kill you here. Instead, I'm going to act like I'm beating you up, you're going to fall down on the ground all dramatic and stuff, and then act like I really did murder you. Come on, you wanted to be an actor. You can do this Sasuke. For _Twilight, New Moon, _and all the other Stephanie Meyer films to come!"

"What did I tell you about mentioning those mov—" Sasuke's breath was knocked out of him as Itachi punched him in the gut.

"Ouch! I thought you weren't really going to hit me!"

"I have to play it up to make it real. I promise I won't hit you too hard though," Itachi whispered to him again.

And yet he did. Repeatedly. Somewhere in the middle of their supposedly fake fight, Itachi started grounding out things like, "And that's for stealing my favorite shirt from Hot Topic! And borrowing my 30 Seconds to Mars CD without asking! And for using up all my minutes on my cell phone!"

"Why not just get the Sprint Simply Everything plan?!! Everything's unlimited!" Sasuke whimpered.

"Cause I don't have the money for that!" Itachi yelled.

After a few minutes had passed in which the only sounds were those of bodies being hit, Sasori pulled back from his target. Naruto tried to get up, but was stumbling.

"Twinkle…twinkle…little…aw, fuck it." He garbled, then crumpled to the ground. Sasuke wasn't much better. He was also now lying on the ground, barely breathing. Itachi leaned down in front of him, shielding his body from view. He acted like he put a finger to his throat for a pulse, then turned dead eyes to Sasori, shaking his head.

"Good work. Now lets round them up and—"

A flash of color flew by him and in the next second was gone. Sasori blinked, and then noticed that Sasuke's body was missing. The Naruto at his feet disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Ha ha, Shadow Clone jutsu, bitchez!!" The real Naruto cackled, jumping over the roofs as he held an unconscious Sasuke.

"That mother—" And thus Sasori went on a cussing tirade. I could very well write it out, considering this story already mentions all the swears there are, and then some, but I think I'll save some time and jump to something more important.

Like what happened to Gaara!

Gaara had been wise enough to clear out of that back ally before the fighting was through, lest be the next victim. He again held the skirt of the gown up by his finger tips, looking like some weird drag queen running full speed in a dress.

"I could kill you for that," he muttered.

Whoops. Well, it is true.

He sighed, but said nothing.

He reached the hall in the Hokage's headquarters or whatever you might call it with only a few minutes to spare. He paused outside the door to smoothen out any wrinkles and to straighten his hair. Reaching into one of the deep sleeves that could double as a pocket (like the furi of a kimono), he pulled out a small bottle of cologne and sprayed himself with it.

"Oh gods, my asthema!" One of the guards outside the door screamed.

"Hey Bob, are you alright?" The other asked him. The first one ran down the hall, grasping his throat in his hands. The other one followed, but in another direction. Probably to get some water or something.

"You don't really know, do you?" Gaara asked.

Shut up Gaara and get in the damn room.

And so, we finally get to the main part of this story. Gaara's meeting. But you're gonna have to wait until the next chapter! Why? Because I'm cruel like that! Mwahaha!

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^_^ Ever the silly one, aren't I? Well, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Reviews are always pleasant!


	11. Arbitrary Assault

Oh man, it's been over a month since I've updated this! Not sure how many are still reading it, but eh, I'd hate to leave this project unfinished. I believe this is the next to last chapter, when finally everything is brought together. Well, no spoilers here. Read it and enjoy!

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Arbitrary Assault**

Gaara quickly slipped into the chair with the plaque marked "Kazekage" in front of it. He slid down low in his seat so as to not be very noticeable.

Each spot had the leaders' name on it, and Gaara saw that there were four others besides his: Hokage (fire shadow), leader of Konohagakure or Konoha for short. Mizukage (water shadow), leader of Kirigakure, or Kiri. Raikage (lightning shadow), leader of Kumogakure; Kumo. Tsuchikage (earth shadow), leader of Iwakakure; Iwa.

And as the Kazekage of Sunagakure, he was considered the wind shadow. Just a little cocktail party chit-chat for ya.

The leader of Kumogakure was the oldest there and thus almost by default he was given headway to lead the meeting. "Okay, we have much business to discuss. This is a very important meeting with some very important issues that need to be brought to the table. No joking is permitted! This is completely serious! I don't wanna hear—"

"Okay, we get the picture!" The Mizukage shouted. She was almost as old as him. "Geez, always gotta go on and on…next thing you know, you'll be telling us your village's war stories!"

"Oh, yes, the war of 2037, a fine year. My platoon was named Black Hawk and we were in charge of—"

Suddenly Konoha's Hokage stood up. "Listen, I think all of this will go better with some refreshments. Feel free to help yourselves to the beverages and snacks over there on that counter."

Suddenly everyone got up and you could hear mutters of "Ooh, chocolate éclairs!" and such. Since this was Gaara's first time, he had to wonder if this was really how a proper meeting should go. Something told him it wasn't.

Once everyone had gathered their snacks together and were seated again, the Raikage spoke once more. "So, all this food brings to mind our first order of business. Should we spend the village budget on installing snack machines in our meeting halls?"

What the hell?! He couldn't be serious!

"I say we should!" Said the Tsuchikage. "Why, it would be nice for our ninja to have a way to grab a quick bite to eat right after reporting back to us from their missions. A ninja's life is full of unexpected surprises and there's no telling when you'll be able to sit down and enjoy a full meal."

Okay…Gaara had to admit, he had a point…but still…couldn't another committee vote on this? And the village's budget being used on it to boot. Was this why so many countries had economic issues? Random recreational spending?

"Alright, thank you Tsuchikage," the Raikage said. "So, all in favor of the snack machines, say 'aye'. All who disagree say 'nay'.

Everyone said aye and Gaara repeated them…just very quietly. He was still trying to remain incognito.

"Second line of business. I was thinking that we should send a letter to the writing staff about getting more screen time."

Gaara had been sipping on one of his sand soda's (finally having perfected the art), but spluttered when the Raikage said this. Were these really the great Kage's of the shinobi nations?!

That was it, he had to say something.

"Um, excuse me…"

"Yes ma'am? Something you wanted to add to the conversation?"

Gaara froze. Ma'am?!! Curse his natural mascara and effeminate turquoise eyes!!

"Um, I had just figured that perhaps…we should be discussing more crucial things."

"Uh-huh…go on…" The Raikage nudged.

"Well, for example, the Akatsuki are here in Konoha."

The group let out a collective gasp. And then burst out laughing.

"Why boy, the Akatsuki have been disbanded for years! Nothing more than a myth now!" The Mizukage said. "Old wives' tales."

Gaara narrowed his eyes. "Yeah, and I'm just lying when I say that I saw two people attacked by them today, now aren't I?"

"And who were these people?" The Hokage asked.

"Naruto Uzumaki—"

"Village idiot," Tsunade clarified.

"—And Sasuke Uchiha."

"Village emo," she told everyone.

"What the hell does being emo have to do with lying?!" Gaara shouted incredulously.

"Who knows? But he also betrayed our village when he ran away with that pedophile."

Gaara narrowed his eyes. "Okay…and again, what does him having a relationship with Orochimaru (for we all know it happened, I don't care what he said!) have to do with him lying about the Akatsuki? And he's not the one telling the story about them, I am! Don't you believe me?"

Tsunade examined him for a moment. "If I can't even tell what gender you are, how I can I believe anything else about you?"

"Why, you old bit—!"

But Gaara was interrupted when the doors burst open. There stood Deidara and Kisame, panting for breath.

""Told-toldja we should've taken…the elvevator…hm," Deidara huffed.

"Hey…nothing wrong…with a little…exercise…" Kisame shot back.

"Oh sure, and was jumping through a window too hard to do?"

"Then why didn't you?" Kisame asked him.

"Um…didn't think of it? Heh-heh…hm."

But Kisame shook his head, dismissing this. Speaking to the room aloud, he said, "We've come for the beef jerky! We know it's here! Surrender it and we will not harm anyone!"

"Jinchuuriki," Deidara whispered, impassively examining his mouthed hands.

"Er, right, what he said!"

The Mizukage stood up. "Just what nonsense is this that you sprout?"

Suddenly, Sasori appeared, knocking his two lackeys to the side to steal the spotlight. "This is an abduction, wench! Hand over the kid named Gaara and we might just spare your lives."

Everyone in the room began screaming, a sound that might make any other villain rejoice but only angered Sasori further.

"Do they have to be such a genital wart about it?" he muttered.

"Look, let's just grab the boy and go. Who's not about to catch any flak for not catching any of the jinchuuriki is me," Itachi said, standing next to him. His eyes slowly scanned the room until..

"There!" he shouted, pointing to the spot at the table where Gaara had all but disappeared under it.

"Damnit!" Gaara shouted, trying to conjure up what sand resources he could…but he'd left his gourd at the hotel and Konoha didn't have much sand to offer. As for manipulating the ground, being in a building rendered that useless. He knew next to no taijutsu so hand to hand combat was out the window. In essence, he was fucked.

The Akatsuki began to make their way over to him…

"I will not let you lay a finger on him! That's my Nintendo, my ninja way!"

There Naruto stood in the open window, sunlight making him glow like a super hero.

"I will punish evil doers! These scoundrels will pay for what they have done! Nobody messes with—"

"Oh, just shut it," Sasuke muttered, hopping through the window as well. He happened to land right on Naruto, standing on his back as he lay on the floor, twitching.

"Listen guys, fact of the matter is, Akatsuki wants Gaara," Sasuke told them, looking his nonchalant self as he leaned against a wall (finally getting off of Naruto so he could breathe). "And I say, let 'em have him! He's no Konoha ninja and really, what has the Sand nation or whatever done for us?"

"You back-stabbing bastard!" Gaara shouted at him.

Sasuke shrugged. "Wouldn't be the first time I was called that."

The Akatsuki again began making their way toward the redhead as he stood up and backed away. "Wait! There's some really good reasons why you shouldn't try to capture me!"

"Shut up! You killed Goldie!" Kisame shouted.

"Who the hell is Goldie?! Wait…pretty brunette with sun streaks in her hair?"

Kisame paused. "Um…no…"

"Oh, okay. No, I don't think I killed a Goldie then," Gaara said. "Although I have sand coffined everything from innocent puppies to Stephanie Meyer."

"That's it! I'm sick of the Twilight references!" Sasuke shouted and rushed forward.

"No Sasuke! That's not your calling!" Naruto shouted after him. "You're only a half-major character! Leave it for me to handle!!"

But Sasuke wasn't listening. As he rushed toward the Akatsuki (though they hadn't made the reference comment), Itachi broke free from the crowd and ran toward him.

"I will avenge my family!!!" Sasuke screamed.

"I only joined the Akatsuki cause they were offering free doughnuts!!" Itachi shouted.

But suddenly, Sasuke halted, then fell to his knees screaming in agony. Itachi had used his Mangekyou Sharingan on him.

"Ahh, the horror! Ohh, the agony!" Sasuke wailed. "I'm stuck in the Caramelldansen video! And it's the Swedish speedy cake version at that!"

The other Kage's met each others eyes before pandemonium broke out.

"EVERY MAN FOR THEMSELVES!!!"

The stampede of the elderly leaders rushed for the doors, squeezed through, and was gone.

"I knew there was a reason why I should've stayed evil," Gaara said sardonically.

The rest of the Akatsuki turned their attention back on him, but Naruto zipped in front of him.

"Didn't you hear me? I once made a promise to never let the innocent get hurt! That was my Nintendo and I will stick by it! Every ninja has a Nintendo, and if they don't then they should get one!"

"It's nindo, dumbass!" Sasuke managed to scream in the middle of his nightmare.

"Who gives a damn what it is!" Sasori said. "Those jinchuuriki are ours! The last two that we need to complete our plan to rule the world and—"

Suddenly, his pocket began singing. It was the official Hamsterdance song.

"Oh, sorry, gotta take this…"

He pressed the talk button and turned his back on the others.

"Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. I think so. Maybe. Probably. Uh-huh. That DBZ movie really sucked? Huh, gotta go see it for myself. Alright. I'll see you later…okay…l-love you too, bye."

He flipped the phone closed and turned back to the others. "Alright men, new orders. Report back to base immediately and thus we'll find out what they are."

"Did you just tell Pein you loved him?!" Itachi gagged, but Kisame cut him off with, "We have to go all the way back to headquarters when he could've given us our new mission _here_?!"

At the same time, Deidara said "Ooh, new mission, new mission! I wonder what mayhem we get to wreck this time! How dynamic!" He made the mistake of clapping his hands and found that now he had to untangle the French-kissing palms. "Horny, much?" he muttered.

Itachi looked at them. "Anyone else turned on by that?"

The room feel silent at they stared at him.

"What?! Oh don't act like you're above it!"

"Look, we don't have time for this. Let's go. You know how much I hate being late," Sasori said. Leaving up his middle and index fingers, the curled the others and concentrated on something. A second later, he was gone.

The others disappeared soon after him. Except Itachi. Ignoring the teen ninjas in the room, he strode over to where Sasuke was still on the floor. He was only half conscious.

"I love ya, little bro!" he sobbed, and squeezed him into a hug.

"No…Uchihacest…" Sasuke whispered, eyes slipping closed.

"No, I promise, no more Uchihacest," Itachi said quietly, then set him back down. Holding his hand in a jutsu pose, he poofed along with the others.

The room was quiet for a moment, then Naruto shouted, "Anyone else find this whole thing pretty damn anti-climactic?!"

Gaara would've agreed, but seeing as how it was his life on the line, he'd save that comment for later. At the moment, all he wanted was to go home back to his beloved, dehydrated village. He'd had enough of Konoha's craziness to last a lifetime.

* * *

Yeah, this chapter was pretty random, lol! Still, I kinda had fun writing it. Reviews are always appreciated! Thanks!


	12. Gaara of the Delusional

And so here goes the final chapter to this story. It's not as long as the other ones, mainly because I've lost my drive for the story and partly because I really had no real idea of how I wanted things to end. Anywho, I still got some laughs from it. Enjoy!

**Gaara of the Delusional **

Gaara would say that he was a person that loved an adventure. But as he prepared to leave Konoha, he couldn't have been any happier. One day, _one _little day was all that he'd stayed for and yet the drama that he'd encountered was more than most people ever went through.

"Make sure you write!" Naruto called as the sand ninja stood ready to climb onto his sand cloud. Well, Kankuro and Temari. A small group of the leaf ninja had also come to see them off.

"Where the hell is she?!" Gaara muttered, checking his watch. They'd scheduled their departure for five that afternoon; it was now 5:02. Yeah…Gaara had shorter patience than Sasori.

Suddenly they saw her, strolling along casually, a smirk on her face. She still had out her large fan, propping it against a shoulder as she walked. Then from behind her, a stumbling Shikamaru followed after her, looking worse for wear. She stopped next to her brothers, her aura of self-satisfaction nearly a tangible thing with its strength. Shikamaru on the other hand wobbled next to Kiba, the other boy reaching out to hold him steady.

"Just what the hell did you do to him?" Kankuro asked his sister.

"Taught him a lesson he shouldn't soon be forgetting," Temari said, not looking at him but at her victim. "That'll teach him to 'accidentally' fall asleep with his head placed oh-so-conveniently in my chest."

Ordinarily, any other boy would be pissed and ready to fight a person who dared do such a thing to their sister. But…well, Gaara and Kankuro had long learned that Temari could handle her own. Shikamaru wouldn't have even been standing had it not been for Kiba.

"He has hair like Spongebob's house," Gaara snickered as they climbed on his cloud.

"It's called a pineapple," Kankuro said. "And who the hell wears fishnets?"

Temari threw him a glare.

"Oh. Sorry about that. Okay, what _guy _wears fishnets?"

Gaara pulled back the sleeve of the Kazekage gown he was wearing to show his arm. The shirt he was wearing had a fishnet pattern.

Kankuro narrowed his eyes. "Fine! Why the hell do people wear fishnets?! Last time I checked, that was a style only adopted by the hookers! And not the sexy ones either, the ones you find out on the street at like three in the morning and who take you to some overly sleazy hotel and as things progress, you're not sure if this is really a woman at all but you're too far gone in your hormones to really want to truly find out and thus when it's all said and over and you've somehow made it back to your equally sleazy apartment, you lay there wondering if perhaps that you as a guy just screwed another guy named Cherry!"

…The look on everyone's faces was a classic "WTF?!" expression.

"Er, nevermind," Kankuro muttered. "Up and away, Gaara!"

"Don't come back," Sasuke said just as they started to rise.

Temari started forward, but her brothers held her back. "No, let me at him! That cocky sonovabitch should've been six feet under by now!"

"Remember what _your _therapist said," Gaara soothed. "You're not to solve your conflicts with aggression."

"This time," Temari concluded for him, nodding. Gaara nodded with her, confirming she had the words right.

"Hey, how come I don't have a therapist?!" Kankuro asked.

"We're your therapist," Temari said. They were now high above Konoha, steadily making their way home.

"If that's the case, I need a new one!" her oldest brother said.

_We need some serious family counseling, _Gaara thought. Well, at least in a few hours (actually, not so few, but…) they would be back in Suna. The thought of it made him pour on the speed. But…he never factored in his choice of apparel to go home in. The gown was billowy, large sleeves and even a white wrap of some sort around the neck that perhaps could double as a hood. Or was just an attempt by the makers to make sure he had a popped collar, making him smile that he had indeed won the little argument between himself and Sasuke.

But there was no time to ponder much upon that. The wind caught in his clothes and immediately he was blown backwards off the cloud.

"Remember meeeee!!!" he called after his siblings as he disappeared behind them. A faint twinkling like a star marked that Gaara had disappeared.

…Of course though Gaara did have chakra. And now that he wasn't as tired as he was upon his arrival to Konoha, he could utilize it. He formed another cloud in midair, the grains gathering together and forming a solid surface just moments before he became one with the ground.

"Yeah! I betcha Harry Potter couldn't even pull off something that cool in a Quidditch match!"

He quickly caught back up with his brother and sister, throwing them a look. "You were just going to let me fly off like that?!"

"Please, if you couldn't save yourself then you don't need to be a ninja," Temari told him coldly.

_Ouch! Bitch! _Gaara mentally spat. He hopped from his cloud to theirs, letting the grains of sand from the second one enter his gourd.

"Away, flying Nimbus!" He commanded, taking control.

And thus they flew off into the sunset, a picture perfect ending to a not so picture perfect day. Tomorrow Gaara would have to deal with nagging secretaries, giving a graduation speech for a _preschool _and also constantly remember the multiple words of his therapists as he tried not to kill anyone over the broken coffee machine in the break room.

But for now, he was content with just being Gaara, boy extraordinaire.

…At least in his mind.

* * *

Heh, even the Kazekage is prone to daydreams like a child! Anywho, hope you guys enjoyed this silly story. Despite how long it took me to update things, for the most part I'm really proud of it. With all that said, go ahead and review! Thanks for reading!

--A.D. Williams


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